People are nuts...

Look at this article... people are absolutley crazy... I love it...

WELLINGTON (Reuters) - Forty drunken Santas rampaged through central Auckland, stealing from stores and assaulting security guards, the New Zealand Herald reported on Sunday, in a protest against the commercialization of Christmas.

Police said some of the Santas threw beer bottles, one tried to climb the mooring rope of a cruise ship and a security guard was punched during the fracas.

"They came in, said 'Merry Christmas' and then helped themselves," convenience store staff member Changa Manakynda told the Herald, which reported the Santas also attacked a Christmas tree.

The event organizer, Alex Dyer, had warned the antics would only stop when someone was arrested, said the Herald, which linked the incident to "Santarchy."

Santarchy (www.santarchy.com) and online encyclopedia wikipedia (www.wikipedia.org) record protests going back around 10 years in the United States, with participants marking Christmas in anti-commercial manner involving street theater, pranks and public drunkenness.

Police said identification was a key issue as they tried to sort out which of the 40 men and women had done what.

"With a number of people dressed in the same outfit, it was difficult for any witnesses to confirm the identity of who was doing what," Senior Sergeant Matt Rogers told Reuters.

Anyway... it's 5 days and counting until I go home again for Christmas and the New Year. I can't wait. I can't wait to see my family and all of my friends, but mostly I am very excited for Stephanie as it's her first time to NYC. She is going to love it and I highly doubt she is going to want to leave.

I cannot wait to give everyone the stuff that I got them for Christmas. I love giving stuff more than I like getting stuff. Don't get me wrong. I love to get stuff... but the smiles and happiness that my presents give to people has no price.

Check this out...

Check this out... real or not?
http://ipodnanosfreepay.com/?r=25909320

Updates!

Wow... been almost a month since the last time that I wr0te. It's a lazy Sunday. Stephanie is sleeping on the futon. We had started watching Corpse Bride, then she feel asleep. Two jobs will take it out of ya...

I am a little sick. My ears and throat are hurting, but that's ok... 'tis the season right? Speaking of 'tis the season, Stephanie and I put up our tree yesterday. Check it out..



We also had some hot chocolate....


Even Mallos got to have some fun...


Here is us in the middle of tree putting upage...


Ok, I'm back... I am in the middle of cooking dinner. I do have some more stuff to write about like Thanksgiving and my mother's visit, but I will do that tomorrow from work if I have the time. I took some cold medicine and it's making me drowsey.

Peace out nigger...

I have been to hell...

Yes... that's right...

I have been to hell.

I took a spinning class tonight.

I will not be walking tomorrow.

Let's back up. Jose got back from Spain last night. He's been pretty stressed out and has been needing to blow off some steam so I asked him if he wanted to go play racketball at the gym tonight after work. He agreed.

When we got there, we started playing, then Joe Metrosexual comes into the court and tells us that we can't play on the court b/c we have black soled shoes. Racist...

When we go back upstairs to see what we are gonna do, one of the gym employees apparently noticed that we were walking around aimlessly and asked us if we wanted to take a spinning class. I think... hmm... how bad can this be...

Fast forward ... 17 minutes into the class I ask myself... "what the fuck were you thinking?". There are 43 more minutes to go... this is crazy. Then I decide that I am going to stop being a pussy and stick it out. I did. It was a ridiculous workout. I was pretty much drenched when the class was over.

On to other topics... things are fantastic with Stephanie. I love this girl so much. She is literally all that I want in a girlfriend and then more. And the best thing about all of it is that it is pretty much effortless. We just are so good together.... thank you Texas, thank you myspace, thank you to whatever made her find me. I can go on and on about how great she is, but I think you, the blog reader can already see just from my tone, what an impact she has had on my life.

On November 11th, we will be together (officially) for a month and I can just see it going on indefinitley. It doesn't scare me at all to think about things like getting a place/house together. That's right... not scared at all.

Mallos loves her too... look at what she does to him...


Amazing...

Anyway... I'm gonna wrap this blogspot up...

In summary:
- I visited hell tonight. I am sure I will remember it tomorrow when I can't walk.
- I am happier in my life now than I have been in a really long time... arguable ever.
- I love my girlfrind a lot.

Peace out yo...

Weddings and things...

I just woke up ... and it's cold!!! I missed this weather so much. Hopefully, Texas will be kind of like this when I get home tomorrow night. I have to say... because of some special person in TX (you know who you are hehhe), I am actually looking forward to going back there. Weird, huh? Anyway... I went to Danielle's wedding last night. I had a really good time. It was really great to see all of my friends. I love them. I was talking to Renee last night for a little bit, and whoa... I have known these people for about 5 years now. That's crazy. There is a picture of myself and the bride.

Daniellen and Lenny look so happy together. It's so awesome to see two people that are so happy to be with each other. I am happy that they invited me, that I came up for it and that I know all of them.

Some more pics...

Dana and Me....
















Antonio, Patty, Me
















Bill McGrath and his beautiful... martini...
















Me, Renee, and Dana...
















Bill and Renee... are they next?
















Lastly... the beautiful bride and groom...

Astral Projection

Sign up for the astral projection course at gnosticweb. Learn how to get out of your body.

= )

http://www.gnosticweb.com

"The feeling that someone owes us something, the pain for the harm that others caused us, etc., stops the inner progress of the soul."

Some updates...

My my a lot has happened since my last post. Where to start...

Ok... most importantly... Stephanie and I FINALLY hooked up = ). The chem was always there, just right place right time.. no more details. She is awesome and we are having a blast.

Next... I am home in NYC visiting my family this week/weekend. My grandmother turned 70 yesterday (10.06.2005) and my friend Danielle is getting married on Sunday. I am trying to work in seeing friends and whatnot too... it's always kind of tough.

I got an IM from Heber yesterday telling me that I got an award from work. I guess my hard work is noticed. That is nice... nice to know someone notices that I work my ass off every fucking day... and a little extra money never hurt anyone.

I spoke to Gabi today. I was hoping to be able to see her and Tommy and the whole crew tonight, but they are going to PA so maybe Sunday after the wedding. Tonight, I am hanging out with Sara for a bit. Tomorrow, we are having the party for my grandmother, the I am going to Queens to chill with Chris and Spyro. Sunday is Danielle's wedding, the maybe I'll see Gabi and Tommy. Monday, I am going to the city for the day, then meeting Sara for dinner as per my birthday card = ). Then finally... Tuesday I get to go back to TX to see my Stephie Wong...

Going back to TX isn't such a bad thing anymore. It's not all Stephanie... but she's got something to do with it. I was starting to get over being such a little bitch about life before we hooked up, but she kinda gave me the push that I needed.

Lastly... I got this piece in the Daily Om today... it's worth posting... free your mind!!

Unplugging The Noise
Taking A Media Break

In this modern age, we seldom question the pervasive presence of the media. Television, radio, newspapers, magazines, telephones, and websites are part of most people's everyday experiences. They enable us to stay informed while sometimes taking us on amazing journeys. But the content and experiences that these outlets offer also consume space in our minds that can have a profound effect on our emotional state. If you are someone who feels like your life is oversaturated with the "buzz" that comes from the media, you may want to consider taking a break. A media fast involves not watching television, reading any newspapers or magazines, checking or sending any e-mails, or even talking on the phone.

On the simplest level, undertaking this fast will free up thinking space. When you are constantly being bombarded with signals coming from outside sources, it can be hard to disassociate yourself, particularly if what you are hearing or reading is negative or stressful. Avoiding the media, for a few weeks, or even just a few days, can help you center yourself. The fast may even introduce you to creative aspects of yourself that you didn't know existed, as you enjoy some quiet time and reconnect with other interests. We may feel like something is lacking from our lives during the first few days of a fast. But it is this emptiness that opens up the space for a more expansive and clutter-free life.

Research has shown that both news and television programming can have an intense effect on mood, even causing sadness and anxiety. Without the "noise" of the media running through your head, you are freer to focus your attention inward. Ideas will present themselves to you more readily, and you will find yourself available to revel in the small joys of your own life. You also will be freer to live in the present moment, rather than focusing on what's going on in the news or your favorite soap opera. A media break can also help you develop a more conscious relationship with news and fictional entertainment. When you aren't continuously subjected to the media, you are able to look at what you are seeing or reading more objectively. Taking a break from the media may also give you a greater sense of calm, balance, well-being, and a new perspective on life.

My Birthday

Overall, a very fun time.

We started out by going to Hula Hut. That's a Tex-Mex place here in Austin. We hung out there for a little bit, ate dinner, had some drinks, and then went to the bowling alley. Yes... the bowling alley... that was fun too... I am not good at bowling... but still it was fun.

After bowling, Jesse, Tearson, Mauricio, and I went downtown to Fado on 4th st. That was some heavy fast drinking. Ooofah... I hung out for about an hour and then

Stephanie came to pick me up to bring me back to my place. I was pretty toasted by then, but I love hanging out with that girl. She is pretty awesome for coming all the way downtown to get me... but then again... she is pretty awesome in general.

Honestly, I have to say... and I was talking to Mauricio about this on the way downtown... that she is the first girl that I have met here in Austin that I actually want to do things for. I care when she talks. I want to hear everything that she has to say and it is very easy be around her. I haven't felt any pressure at all. I find myself thinking about nice things to do for her... and the best part, like I said before... is that I'm not even trying.

So basically, the deal is.. I don't know. That's pretty much it. I don't know. I really like her. I see potential for something really good, but I suppose there might be an issue of timing (isn't there always?). I suppose I just need to see what happens and keep it in the back of my mind that what I would like to happen might or might not come into reality. Sigh...

No more deep thoughts today... I am tired...

I am about to go to the store to get some food to cook for the week.

A quickie...

Here's an example of my cynicalness. Although I feel that I am changing my outlook on life and stuff, I think this is one area that I really need to improve in. Take a look:

[09:29] [NYIT] BIGG CHRISSS!!!!: so people at shore are evacuating to ure town
[09:29] bgoldstein24: yup
[09:29] bgoldstein24: from houston and galveston
[09:30] [NYIT] BIGG CHRISSS!!!!: ah
[09:31] [NYIT] BIGG CHRISSS!!!!: u should take some hot chick in as showing ure a good citizen
[09:31] [NYIT] BIGG CHRISSS!!!!: lol say u can stay at my place .... ill shelter u
[09:32] bgoldstein24: = )
[09:32] bgoldstein24: i think i have better odds of being stuck by lightening
[09:34] [NYIT] BIGG CHRISSS!!!!: lol
[09:36] bgoldstein24: hot girls don't want to be my friend anymore
[09:37] [NYIT] BIGG CHRISSS!!!!: = ( why u say that
[09:38] bgoldstein24: b/c i don't have the capacity to make hot girl friends
[09:38] [NYIT] BIGG CHRISSS!!!!: alchohol man!
[09:38] bgoldstein24: hehe
[09:38] bgoldstein24: nah
[09:39] [NYIT] BIGG CHRISSS!!!!: grrrr

So there it is. Another friend frustrated at my retarded take on myself.

Silly boy...

Oh Bryan... you are a fool. What are you doing? Why did you let yourself get even a little attached? Jackass...

Remember... feelings, emotions are temporary. A conjur of the mind which distracts from true nature. Don't be fooled be feelings or emotions.

Duh...

So we were laying there last night talking and I was pretty content.

Then her phone rang.

As soon as it did, I blew out the candle and laughed because I knew what was about to happen. She was going to get off the phone and tell me that she was leaving.

She came back into the room and told me she was leaving. Big suprise. Was I mad? No. This however, is a perfect case in point, in clear example of how attachment, want, and desire can trigger events in the body to make an person feel sadness.

After she got her stuff together, she asked me if I was mad a few times (to which I replied "No", because I was not). Then she was gone.

I went back in my room, relit my candle and sat Zazen for about 10 minutes trying to release the feelings that were coming up. I felt a little anger, not much, some sadness, but overall... just plain silly. I reminded myself of a few things. One of the most important of those things being that these feelings and emotions only affect Bryan, the person, the human, the bag of flesh... not me. I am just playing Bryan for a little while. We are all just playing parts for a while until we return to what we all really are.

In the end I laughed about it because after, nothing really matters. The tinge of pain that I felt, my lonliess, my sadness, my feelings of worthlessness... they don't matter. They are all fleeting as well as artificial. They are only real because I make a concious decision to make them real.

My feelings and emotions are just creations of my mind. They are temporary, they go away. So now, it becomes a question of learning to let go of them or letting them sit and cause unecessary stress. I have accetped the fact that I have no control what happens for this particular situation.

I want to be free...

Yes, that's right. I want to be free... "from what?", you ask? I want to be free from my desires, from my wants, from my emotions, and from my mind. Simply put, I do not want to want anything anymore - which is a want in an of itself, so you can see that although it's a simple statement to "not want", the want to "not want" is complicated.

I have spent a lot of time with someone this past weekend and it was pretty awesome. Despite how much I enjoy this person's company, something became very apparent last night as we were talking. Out of respect, I will not divulge this person's personal life. However, this person is somewhat integral in my realization that I need to be free of wanting. We can just say that whether or not anything else will progress along a certain path with this person is entirely out of my control and I have accepted that. I do not expect anything. Not everyone gets what they want all the time.

Sometimes timing is horribly wrong for two people that are very right. Thats how it goes, I suppose...deal with it.. or don't and continue to suffer.

That is not to say that I do not know what I would like to happen. What I would like to happen and what will eventually happen may or may not be one in the same and I have prepared myself for the highly likely occurance that what I would like does not become a reality.

Back to the point at hand. I am not sure of how I am going to go about this, but I would really love to lose my mind. I would love to forget everything that I know about life and about myself. I would love to not have any attachement to anyone or anything. Let's not get confused. This is not to say that I cannot love. I love my family. I love my cat. I just do not want attachment. Attachement is what leads to unhappiness. This is because when your attachment is ripped from you, and it inevitably will be, all you can feel is a longing for what you were once attached to - a void in your being.

So here's what I am going to try. I am going to let my feelings go... release them like the shadows of reality that they are.Release? What on earth do you mean? When I am happy, I will let it go. When I am sad, I will let it go. When I realize that I want something, I will let it go. When I realize that I desire something, I will let it go. When I realize that I lust after something, I will let it go. I think we get the picture...

I am not sure where that will take me, but I am starting to see that all of my sadness up until this point has been related to me wanting certain things and not getting them. I am really taking life too serioulsy and I need to stop it.

Thursday

Finally, I am home… but not for long. I have about 15 minutes until I have to leave to go to T’ai Chi tonight. Well… meditation class is first and fucking god damnit do I need it.

Yesterday, after work, we went to Sherlock’s as per our normal Wednesday after work ritual. I think there was something in the beer. I got home around 745 or so, called my family and basically passed out. I had 2 beers. I woke up around 1030, brushed my teeth and went back to sleep until 8am. Funny… the people that were there last night also passed out… hmm…

I am starting to look for a new job. I am having a hard time continuing to want to work with pretentious, annoying people. Why are people so unreasonable? I can’t say who I work for, but it’s a pretty big IT company. I do application development support so all day long we get people that have design and code problems. I give them a solution; they want something else… what the fuck? Why do people have to be so god damn difficult?

Anyway… I need to work on my resume. It needs some updating/massaging since I applied to where I am now. We will see what I can come up with.

In other news, I have class tonight until 830, then I am going with Stephanie to her friend’s birthday dinner at some Mexican place. For all of you reading… yes… Stephanie, who is NOT my girlfriend. = )

And now… a picture of me playing video games.

Man, I have some writing to do. It's been a while.

Morgan came to visit me this weekend. She got in on Friday night and left yesterday (Tuesday). It was really very good to see her. We didn't really do that much in terms of things around Austin. We went out to eat a lot and watched a bunch of movies, but it was just good to see her so it didn't really matter what we did. We actually, two times, tried to go do something outdoors, but the weather did not want to cooperate.

I am back to work today. If I could infuse text with emotion, I would infuse that last sentense with some. I so don't want to be here today. I really don't feel like dealing with these people. My head is very cloudy today. I didn't sleep well at all last night. Perhaps it was the anxiety of coming back to work, but, my mind was racing last night.

I think its got something to do with this also... I am developing feelings for someone that I know I shouldn't be developing feelings for. I sometimes wish that I could turn off my emotions... the part of me that feels things for other people... it seems to only lead to pain in recent times. I am usually very much in control of my emotions... in control of not letting them cloud my thoughts and my reality, but sometimes... sometimes... things develop that blindside me and don't surface until they exist... and now, I have to try to let it go because I am pretty sure that nothing will come of it.

It kind of depresses me to know that I don't have the confidence to make a move... but that doesn't really apply exclusively to this one person... it's pretty much across the board. I guess what really bothers me is that I always say that I "don't feel the vibe"... blah... I don't know.

Happy Fucking Labor Day...

Happy Fucking Labor Day…

I spoke with my father on the phone for about an hour yesterday. My parents are worried about me and rightfully so. If I were to step outside myself and look at how I am reacting to the world around me, I would be worried too.

Let’s recap. So what did we talk about on the phone?

• There is no reason for me to feel like this.
  
• I need to enjoy life. I am only 24 and have everything going for me. I apparently, have the world by the balls.
  
• There are people in much worse situations that myself.
  
• He knows girls in at least three of his stores that would love to date me (Now, although I know he is not lying, I found this to be absolutely hilarious. There is no way I can believe this without seeing it.).
  
• I shouldn’t find living life to be “uninteresting” anymore.
  
• I shouldn’t be apathetic about things.
  
• He was much more of a miserable bastard at 24 than I am at 24.
  
• I should join a club or something and try to meet some new people.
  
• I should make it my mantra to say “from this day forward, things will be different and I will be happy”.
  

All of this I understand completely and agree with in its totality. The logical side of me understands and knows this. My logical side is not the problem. I wish I could kill that one side of me that cannot seem to comprehend this information.

I simply don’t understand why I am the way I am. I came from a loving family that always taught me to be proud of myself and who I am… so what happened? I thought that it was because of the stuff that happened with Sara that was just getting me down, but the last time I was home that pretty much got resolved and laid to rest, so it’s not that. This has been going on for most of my adult life. My father seems to think that if I moved back to NYC, that this would subside, but highly doubt it. That is an internal problem independent of my physical location. I don’t know how to resolve this.

But, I digress. It was really good to talk to him and get his advice on the situation. At one point, he sounded like he was getting mad at me on the phone and I can understand why. If I were talking to me, I would be pissed off too. I simply do not see or comprehend my worth even though I have ten thousand people telling me that I’m great or whatever.

I am sitting in Borders right now drinking a delicious Chai Freeze. It would be so bad if it wasn’t 40 degrees in this joint. I am fucking freezing. I needed to get the fuck out of my apartment. I have been sitting around doing pretty much nothing all weekend.

Oh and the weekends… I am starting to not look forward to the weekends… how’s that for fucked up? The weekends are starting to feel like a mental prison. I think I spent a few hours yesterday staring at the ceiling… watching the fan… watching the wall… occasionally petting Mallos when he decided that he wanted to come on by.

The last few weekends I have literally been bored to fucking tears. And the ONLY reason that I am sitting here typing now as opposed to in my apartment is because I was going fucking stir crazy in my apartment. Also, I was hoping that they would have some Christopher Lawrence, but alas. They DO have a Paul Oakenfold double CD, but they want $21 for it. Fuck that, I’ll download it. I am gonna grab this book though: “Way of the Peaceful Warrior”. Seems interesting…

Everyone’s working today... another price to pay for having ethnic friends. My only other friend that I feel is worth calling is going to his girlfriend’s (fiancé when, Jesse???) family’s house. I would call Tina, but I am afraid to ask for her number. She’s a cool chick and all… just never really seems like she wants to be bothered. I have asked her if she wants to hang out on a few occasions, but she always seems to have something else to do… oh well… hello senor rejections, nice to see you again… story o’ my recent life.

Stephanie came over last night. She seems to be one of the few people here in Austin that actually gives a flyin’ fuck about whether or not I am about to slit my wrists (I mean that figuratively, NOT LITERALLY). I mean, I am sure that Jose and Rafael care, but they never really ask me how I am doing other than the standard “Hi, how are ya”. But she seems to know just from me talking. It’s uncanny how she can tell my mood on the phone and even through a god damn email. How the FUCK can you tell someone’s mood through email. I can’t hide shit from this girl. I digress… again… it’s the trance. So she came over around 10 to play Banjo-Kazooi. Yes… I can play N64 games on my Xbox… yes… I am a geek. So, we killed a 12 pack (almost) and talked about some stuff and I made her some food, then she left at 2am to go chill with some other people.

So… just sitting here and looking around, I see a few attractive looking ladies… all sitting right next to their respective attractive men. That’s how it seems to be here. All of the fucking attractive girls seem to fall under one of the following categories:

1. Taken.
   
2. Party girl.
   
3. Uninterested in me.
   
4. Don’t seem to see me while standing amongst the 20398470983247092 much better looking people than me.
   
5. Don’t know that I exist (which is acceptable b/c I put up a nice brick wall whenever I am not in my apartment, well, and sometimes in my apartment too).
   

I don’t think I would attract a lady if she fell on me.

Alrighty… I think I have bitched enough for one god damn day… although, I will probably bitch some more later. I think I am going to home and lift some weights. I was looking at some older pictures of me back from when I was working out a lot with Gary and god fucking damnit… what happened…

Plus… my Chai Freeze is done…

Oh where, oh where...

... has my confidence gone?? Oh where, oh where can it be??

I am sure as fuck that it aint here.

So, I went to get an apple pancake this morning from the Original Pancake house down the street. As I was waiting to put my order in, I saw a pretty cute waitress walking around and thought to myself (never really thinking that it would happen), "if she is my waitress, I'll leave her my number on the check"... and then the following thought pattern ensued:

1) She will not call, so why bother. Most likely she will look at the check and say something like "ugh" or "eww" or "hahhaa riiiiight", so why ruin someone's day.
2) If, in the remote event that she did actually call and want to hang out, where the hell would I take her? I have no initiative, I have no confidence.

Needless to say, left a tip, signed my name, and left.

I have so checked out.

Labor Day Weekend

Alright... this week fucking sucked at work. I was busier than I ever want to be ... ever. Unreal. Some good things did happen however.
1) I got Nik to carry the pager for an extra 2 days while I am back in NYC for Danielle's wedding.
2) I got 12/26 off so that I can come home for both Christmas AND New Year's. The only thing that I have to work out now is switching pager duty with someone else for New Year's weekend.

I am installing Mac OSX on my desktop as I am writing this... sooo geeky.

I didn't realize how bad shit was in New Orleans until I saw that shit on TV yesterday. It's horrible. I didn't bring anything to work to donate, but I did send $100 to the Red Cross. Apparently, that can take care of a family of 4 for 2 days. This is the first time I have ever donated to help in an event like this and although I can't be there to help them, I hope that money combined with everyone else who donates can help.

Gas prices are becoming ridiculous. I am thinking about going to Oshmann's and buying a bicycle. At this rate, it will pay for itself in about a month. I went to class today and the gas was $2.89. On my way back, it was $2.99. It went up $0.10 in an hour?!?!?! Holy fuck...

I should be ready next week to test for my blue sash in T'ai Chi. I hve the sword form pretty much down to where I don't have to think about it anymore. In class today, we did 24, then sword, then some dead animal meditations... crane and deer. They are kinda rough and we didn't even do that many.
    

I'm burnt out

What a long day. I am starting to not like my job. I got in at 8 this morning and didn't leave until about 730pm. Fucking bullshit...

Here's the thing. We are all strapped. We all have an assload of work to do... they know we are short, but nothing is done about it. So... we get more and more work and less people to handle it. How our customer sat is so high.. I have no idea. Well, actually I do. The people that I work with are brilliant for the most part. But, that doesn't mean that we all couldn't use some help. How the hell am I supposed to better myself as an employee and get education and write applications if I have to work 20 issues and be on the phone for 4 hours a fucking day? I don't know.

I guess I am just venting. There are some days where I love this job, where people are nice and helpful and just a pleasure to help. Then there are days like today where I wanted to tell the big companies that are calling me to fuck off. You are not the only people on the planet. I had a guy tell me that he needed to talk to someone "more senior". Nice. Fuck you. Go die.

Anyway... I have basically been a vegetable since I got home. I am shocked that I can even stare at the screen to type this venting blog entry. Thank god for the 3 day weekend. I can't take this shit no mo'.

The weekend and... eeewwww

That fucking thing (--->) has been on the wall outside my apartment for like 3 days now. Ew... they are on kinda around my complex too, what the fuck.

Work has been very busy. It kinda sucks. I have been working close to 10 hours a day almost every day. I am reaching the point of being burnt out and I just had a vacation close to a month ago.

Anyway... I think things are being planned for my birthday. I can feel it. I hope there are no suprise parties or anything like that. If anything is being planned, I hope it's just like... a night downtown or something like that. I guess we will see what happens, but on Sept 24, I am going to check back here just to validate that I was right.. they are up to no good.

This weekend was pretty uneventful.
Friday: We won out softball game 18-9. After that, I went over to Jesse's house and hung out. It was a good time.
Saturday: Went to my class at 230, finished the sword form... finally. Laid around for the rest of the day and did absolutely nothing.
Sunday: Went to Rafael's house for breakfast (mm), then lunch (mm)... then came home and did pretty much nothing... again...

My pizza is almost done, so Im gonna go grab that. I have class tonight from 830-930, then I am going to Helena's apartment to watch Team America with her and Larry. Fucking movie never gets old.

Maybe I'm on to something...

Ok, so I have been doing some research. I am sick of my life the way it is. I am sick of always being the one that is "there but not". I am sick of people telling me to "just date" and that "things will get better" and that I am "young and shouldn't be sitting home all the time". I have had this problem my whole fucking life. It has been masked, hidden, blamed on other things, but it has always fucking been there making me waste what should be a happy life.

I'm talking about social anxiety disorder. I am not saying that I have this, but look at the quote below. This comes from http://www.socialphobia.org/whatis.html#whatis1, were they are giving case examples of what social anxiety disorder is:

Another young man wants to go to parties and other social events---indeed, he is very, very lonely---but he never goes anywhere because he's very nervous about meeting new people. Too many people will be there and crowds only make things worse for him. The thought of meeting new people scares him---will he know what to say? Will they stare at him and make him feel even more insignificant? Will they reject him outright? Even if they seem nice, they're sure to notice his frozen look and his inability to fully smile. They'll sense his discomfort and tenseness and they won't like him --- there's just no way to win --- "I'm always going to be an outcast," he predicts. And he spends the night alone, at home, watching television again. He feels comfortable at home. In fact, home is the only place he does feel completely comfortable. He hasn't gone anywhere else in twelve years.

Granted, I don't think that I am that extreme, but still, it is almost to a "T" how I feel. I am sick of looking at the floor when I go out. I am sick of not wanting to live or go out or do anything out of fear of being rejected or who the fuck knows what else. I am sick of feeling like I don't matter or that no one in their right mind would think I am remotely good looking or that no one who is sane would want to talk to me about anything. I am sick of feeling like a loser because I am not and I shouldn't be feeling this way.

Hopefully, I'll be able to sleep tonight.

Sunday...

I got some interesting advice this morning from my grandfather who is leaving for Puerto Rico today. The conversation when something like this:

Him: So what are you doing today.
Me: Nothing.
Him: Go out and find a girlfriend. Be a whore. I used to be a whore.
Me: Yeah. I'll get right on that.

I didn't do much of anything yesterday. I was supposed to meet Sonya, but that never happened. I called her around 11 to tell her I was ready to go down there, but she said that she had to help her friend move and that she'd call when she was done. She never called. I knew she wasn't going to call. Oh well... another example of how hoping for things only leads to disappointment.

Instead, I called Rafael and he helped me run my xbox network cable around my living room. We played some video games, then got some food and went back to his house. I ended up going to the the 40 year old virgin last night. It was pretty funny, but, I hate to admit this... anything that I see that has people that are in love, fictional or not, depresses me. Again, that movie was hilarious, but I still left feeling sorry for myself.

I realized something else this weekend. Friday night, I met Jose, Lucy, Allan, and Maria-Elena (Allan's wife) at this place called Red Fez. Now, that's a cool place, but I cannot recall the last time that I felt so uncomfortable to be in a public area... mostly b/c there were soo many really hot girls there. I always say that it's hard for me to meet new people b/c my friends are married and don't do things out. Well... I was out... with my friends who are both married... and it was exactly the same as when I went out with Mauricio... except well, they included me in the night, but still. There are fucking hot ass girls everywhere here but I can't talk to anyone. I wouldn't even know the first thing to say. I have never ... ever gotten girl's phone number... sad.

So, needless to say, I am in quite the funk today. I think what it really comes down to is this; I see most people around me that have someone to go through life with. That's a pretty cool thing, when someone agrees or is willing to go through all the shit that fucking life is with you. I would really like that...

How do I feel right now?

• Sick of life.
• Lonley.
• Sort of loserish.

Updating this piece..

Ah Ramen... I forgot how good you are...

I haven't written for a few days, so lemme recap...

Thursday and Friday were retardo busy at work. I took the 7am shift on Friday to help out my team and ended up getting a fucking assload of work. I pretty much worked from 7am - 430pm straight... fun.

Friday night's softball game: I went 3 for 3. 3 Singles, 2 RBI's and scored once. We won 14 - 4. And pathetically... I am sore. Yes, I go to a gym. Yes, I take martial arts. Yes, beer league softball still makes me sore after the first time playing in a few weeks.

Yesterday (Saturday), Jose, Lucy, Daniel, Helena, and myself went to Six Flags over Texas. It was pretty cool. A lot of fun. The superman ride is pretty good and very similar to Medusa at Six Flags in Jersey. They have a roller coaster there called the Poultergeist. This thing kicked my ass. I felt like someone beat me up after getting off of this ride. It ruined me for the rest of the day I think... I was exhausted driving home. I dropped everyone by their cars and then Helena and I went to get something to eat at La Madeline. Good food there.

I took her back to her place and then went home. I spoke to my family and then Sonya for a little bit then watched some [AS]. I fell asleep in the middle of Futurama and woke after Champloo I think. I was beat...

Today, I have just finished my laundry. I would like to run the cable back to my XBOX, but I need to go out and get some more Cat5 ends so that I can crimp the wire. Pinche Mallos...

Other than that, I am waiting for Sonya to call me back so I might go see her and I am going to Jose's place for dinner tonight. We are going to start working on the software today... at least get our machines set up.

At some point, I would like to get MacOSX running on my PC at home. Check this out:
http://www.uneasysilence.com/os-x-proven-hacked-and-running-on-an-ordinary-pc/

More later...

Notes from TCM book...

Chi in the body is referred to as Normal or Upright Chi (zheng-qi) or True Chi (zhen-qi).

Normal Chi
- Chi before it is differentiated into specific forms or is associated with specific functions.
- Once formed, it can be divided into many different specific types of Chi which have specific functions.

Normal Chi has three sources:
- Original Chi (yuan-qi) or Prenatal Chi, which is transmitted by the parents to their children at conception. This Chi is partly responsible for the person's inherited constitution and is stored in the kidneys.
- Grain Chi (gu-qi) which is delivered from the digestion of food.
- Natural Air Chi (kong-qi) which is extracted by the lungs from the air that we breathe.

Within the body, Normal Chi is responsible for five major functions:
- Chi is the source of all movement in the body and accompanies all movement.
- Chi protects the body.
- Chi is the source of harmonious transformation in the body.
- Chi governs retention of the body's Substances and Organs.
- Chi warms the body.

In the body, Chi is in constant motion and has 4 primary directions:
- Ascending
- Descending
- Entering
- Leaving

“Without entering and leaving, there is no development, without ascending and descending, no transformation, absorption, and storing.”

There are five major type of Chi in the body:
- Organ Chi (zang-fu-zhi-qi)
- Every organ is conceived of as having its own Chi, whose activity is characterized by the organ to which it is attached.
- Meridian Chi (jing-luo-zhi-qi)
- Meridians are the channels or pathways though which Chi flows among the organs and various body parts, adjusting and harmonizing their activity.
- Nutritive Chi (ying-qi)
- This Chi is most intimately associated with the blood.
- It manifests itself with the blood and moves with the blood though the blood vessels.
- It is crucial in transforming nutrients derived from food into blood.
- Protective Chi (wei-qi)
- Responsible for resisting and combating External Pernicious Influences when they invade the body.
- Considered the most Yang manifestation of Chi in the body.
- It moves within the chest and abdominal cavities and travels between the skin and the muscles.
- Regulates the sweat glands and pores, and moistens and protects the skin and hair.
- Ancestral Chi or Chi of the Chest (zong-qi)
- Gathers in the chest where it forms a “sea of qi”.
- Collects in the chest, goes out the throat, connects the heart and vessels, and moves respiration.
- It is mainly responsible for aiding and regulating the rhythmic motion of respiration and heartbeat, thus it is intimately connected with the heart and lungs.

Disharmonies of Chi
- Deficient Chi (qi-xu)
- Chi is insufficient to perform any of the five Chi functions.
- Deficient Chi can apply to the entire body or to a specific organ in which case, the organ will not be able to harmoniously do its job.
- Deficient Chi can also apply to any of the five types of Chi listed above.
- Collapsed Chi (qi-xian)
- Implies that the Chi is so insufficient that it can no longer hold organs in place.
- Stagnant Chi (qi-zhi)
- Normal movement of Chi is impaired. Chi does not flow in a smooth and orderly fashion.
- Rebellious Chi (qi-ni)
- A form of stagnant Chi which implies that Chi flows in the wrong direction.

Random things...

So last night, a friend here tells me that there will be a bunch of people from work going to this bar after work. I think, "cool... I'll make an attempt to be social", which means that I have to miss my class. So I go, and sit at the bar by myself for 20 minutes. After about 20, she shows up with her boyfriend and we go get a table... or something to eat... have a few drinks... they never show up. Finally she says "I think I got the wrong night...". Oh well... I was annoyed because I missed my class, but I got to hang out with 2 friends so it's not a total wash.

I woke up late this morning... 615, but still went to the gym anyway... I had an extrememly sharp eye pain while I was driving to the gym this morning... same eye, the right one. I felt like I wanted to pull my eye out and scratch behind it. After the pain, my eyes teared for about 5 mintues which made it difficult to keep my eyes open while driving.. not a good thing.

I slept pretty good last night. My body was very hot for most of the night. I could feel myself radiating... weird. I had a dream about her again last night. Why do we always want the things that we know we can't have?? Oh well...

I started studying the TCM (traditional chinese medicine) book that my uncle gave me last night. I actually felt compelled to take notes. I guess I actually want to learn this stuff.

Meditation:
1) Sit with your back straight.
2) Put your hands palm up, right hand in the left palm, touch your thumbs.
3) Touch your tongue to the roof of your mouth.
4) Imagine someone has attached a string to the top of your head and is pulling you up by it. Try to align the base of your skull with the top of your spine.
5) Breathe:
- Men: Breathe in for 6 counts, hold for 3 counts, breathe out for 6 counts.
- Women: Breathe in for 6 counts, breathe out for 6 counts, hold for 3 counts.
Notes:
1) A count is roughly a second.
2) You can breathe either through your nose or your mouth, whatever is comfortable for you.
3) You should however breathe into your stomach first down to Dan Tien (3 inches below your belly button about 2 inches inside your body), fill your stomach, then chest, then shoulders. Breath completely. When you breathe out, exhale from your shoulder, then your chest, then your stomach and pull your stomach in (try and touch your belly button to your spine).

Sleeeeeeepy....

Man, some horrible tiredness just hit me.

I was sitting here about to update my last case for the day until I start taking calls again at 3 and I just felt a wave of horrible tiredness come over me.

Anyway... Tai Chi class was good last night. I got paired up with the hottest friggen girl in the school. Our exercise was to practice a simple deflection but then to do any kind of attack that we could think of after that. She had some good ones, but I was king of manhandling her... it was kind of funny. She is actually very nice... too bad she's taken.

Oh well...

Why..

Ok... I love my cat.. I love him very much.. but he is not letting me sleep.

Since I got back here from NYC, he has been just sick for attention. He is all over me all the time escpecially when I am sleeping. He walks all over me and is constantly waking me up. Maybe that's why I have been so fucking tired lately.

Oh well.. that's what thye do I guess.

It was sooo busy this morning. I am pretty drained and I still have to be on the phone for another hour later in the day... oy... at least tomorrow's Friday.

Back in TX...

It has been a few days and I am back in Austin. My flight was pretty good. It left an hour late but still managed to get here 10 minutes early... go figure... I was able to watch the Family Guy movie on the plane... freakin hilarious.

So ... to pick up where my last post left off... last Saturday night... I started by going to Cargo (yes, I know... ) to meet up with Bill, Renee, Danielle, and Lenny. Gabi and Tommy happened to show up too, so I got to see a lot of people. On top of that, they don't charge me for anything there so as soon as my glass is empty... its full again and my money is still there...

Six drinks later, it's time to get the ferry to go chill with Alex. No one remotely even knows how excited I am to see this girl (she probably doesn't know either)... anyway... I am pretty toasted at this point. So I get on the ferry and down a bottle of water which helps get back to an decent level. When I get off of the ferry, I go down to the RW stop and no train... for like 10 min... I take a cab to 10th and A and go to Hi-Fi.

As I'm walkin outside to see where Alex is, she's walkin in. I buy her and myself a drink, meet her friends and we're cool. We hung out there for a little bit and then went to a few different places. At one point, we tried to get in to some club but they wouldn't let us in b/c there were 2 girls and 3 guys... not 3 girls and 2 guys... lame...

We finally went somewhere else and I had a few more drinks. After a little while we were all hungry so we went to some pizzaria at like 3am. When we were done there, we walked back to Alex's car to go home. Thank god she was cool to drive me home b/c I would have passed the fuck out on the train or in the ferry terminal. When I finally got home, layed down and fell asleep pretty much immediatly.

Sunday was rough. I got up at 9... had about 5 hours o' sleep... to help my dad set up the back yard for my sister's party. I was not capable of making any decisions... just moving things... finally people started showing up and it was a really nice day. I pretty much hung out with Morgan and her friends all day. I did get asked "how's texas" about 32087403274832 times... which was kind of annoying but I guess it's to be expected.

Later that night, I met Sara for coffee so I could see her before I left. It was really good to see her. For the first time, things feel like they are closed. When we were finally done, I walked her to her car and we were talking for a bit more there and then we hugged and said goodbye.

Monday, I kind of just hung around all day... didn't really do anything worth talkin about. On the plane ride home, something happened, that has not happened in a really long time.... I smiled. I smiled and I felt happy. The happiness came first, then the smile... which I think is the way that it should be.

Ok... I really need to finish up my work so I can get the fuck out of here...

Good things...

Some very good things have been happening since I have been home...

Yesterday... I got to see my sister graduate from college. Granted, it was like going to the zoo with the general population that was there, but none the less, I am very proud of her for making it through and getting a degree.

When I got home, it was too late to get to see my friend Jackie, so I tried calling some other people. I think I made 4 calls or something like that. No one called back and I didn't want to sit in the house while everyone was sleeping, so I took a ride to Cargo (the bar that I used to work at). The second I walked in I hear "hey, fuck you mother fucker, get out". Could it be? It was MIKE!!!! and MIKE!!! (yes, 2 Mikes). After that, I saw Leo, Kasie, Farrington, Danny, and nearly got tackled by Michelle. The best part was seeing Scott. He still owed me like $100. He didn't see me when I came in, so I walked up to him and was like "where the fuck is my money?" The look on his face was priceless. I hung out there for a little while, then Mike, Mike, and I went to a diner to grab a bite. I got home at 2am and went to sleep.

Today was good too. I woke up too late to really be able to do anything in the morning. We went out for dinner to celebrate Morgan's graduation... mmm chicken franchaise. Haven't had that in a damn long time.

After that, I met Alexandria for some coffee. I had a really good time with her. We hung out at Osato for about an hour or so, then just drove around talking about stuff. I didn't realize how much I missed her. She has been a really good friend since I moved out to Austin. And... I know she's probably gonna read this, oh well = ) she's alot prettier than I remember her especially her eyes, they are beautiful. Leo invited me to go see his band tonight, but they didn't go on until 11 and I was much happier to see Alex.

I spoke to Sara for close to 2 hours on the phone tonight. We talked about a lot of shit. I told her a lot of what is going on with me in TX... how I basically emotionally torture myself b/c of the guilt that I lay on myself and how I don't deserve to be happy. Some of the things that she said really helped me. She doesn't hate me. She doesn't resent me. She doesn't think that I am the biggest asshole in the world for leaving. I feel like a giant weight has been lifted. This is a good thing. It really shows me that all of the crap I have been giving myself for "leaving" is all for nothing b/c just as I have done Sara has also asked "would be still be together now?" We both come to the same answer... no. We have different reasons, but the outcome is the same. Again... a giant weight has been lifted... I didn't ruin her life.

Tomorrow is going to be busy... I am having breakfast with Nanny, then I need to buy some tickets for my father for a pre-sale for Queen (gay...)... then I am going to Manhattan to replace my Tibetan bracelet that I broke as well as to pick up some things at Pearl River to ship back to myself and also 2 shirts for people at work. I think I'm meeting Sara for lunch at like 1, and then I am meeting Jackie and her husband for dinner. I am really exited to see them. Sometimes you don't realize how much you have missed someone until you find them again. She was always a good friend to me.

I guess coming home and seeing all of these people that want to hang out with me is opening my eyes to the kind of person that I am. I am slowly starting to accept that fact that there is something in me that is worth sharing with other people. I deserve to be happy just like everyone else. There is nothing about me that makes me undeserving of happiness.

I sit here listening to loud techno music and feeling better about life... things suddenly, aren't so bad anymore. I can smile...

Saturday...

I didn't do a god damn thing today... well... I went to tai chi class at 230... but for the rest of the day I was dead to the world.

I met Jose, Lucy, and Ligi at Hula Hut for something to eat, then we went to Mozart's for some dessert... shitty cannolis... hot as fucking hell outside. Fuckin Texas... after that, we went to see Fantastic Four... not bad... not great.... but not bad... I didn't want to ask for my money back so I guess that's good.

Sara called today... to say "hello" b/c she hasn't spoken to me in a while... why does she still care? Why do I still mean anything to her... I left, right?

Something interesting happened on the way home from the movie theater. I was driving up MoPac with my windows down with some really loud Metallica playing... as I was driving and singing along, the sadness that I have been feeling for the past... well... I don't even know how long started to go away a little and I could actually feel that there is a person inside me that is trying to get out. I wanted to keep driving and listening, but I didn't.

Now, since I took a nap earlier, I'm not tired at all. I wish I had someone to call to come over and hang out, but I don't. I feel really lonely right now... maybe some music will help...

Something I saw on myspace...

One of my friends posted this.. made me think:

This is a tribute to the nice guys.

The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point.

This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs.

Those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores.

This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support.

This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern.

This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl's every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.

This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they're at her door.

For the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population.

For the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway.

For the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters.

For the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don't end up being boyfriends.

For all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated.

For all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned.

This is for you.

This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn't worry about it.

This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you'd ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor.

This is also for that time she didn't have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing 'serious' between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: "oh, but we're just friends!" And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyways. Because you're nice like that.

The nice guys don't often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don't seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can't. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches.


Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as "oh, he's too nice to date" or "he would be a good boyfriend but he's not for me" or "he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn't possibly ask him out!" or the most frustrating of all: "no, it would ruin our friendship."

Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks.

Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can't figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I'm going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn't last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.

So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you're sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.

Repost this if you're a nice guy
Girls Repost if you're lookin for this/or appreciate these guys

Damnit....

Damnit... damnit damnit damnit... why can I not open my mouth.

I went to the store today for some food for the week. I stopped at the deli counter to get some turkey... and the girl working behind the counter had some of the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen.

I played the conversation over in my head a few times... couldn't make it come to a positive outcome in my head...

Bryan: "Hey, you have really pretty eyes."
Girl: "I'm married, please leave me alone."

Or

Bryan: "Hey, you have really pretty eyes."
Girl: Rolls eyes ... "Do you want anything else."

Or

Bryan: "Hey, you have really pretty eyes."
Girl: "I'm not interesting. Please go away."

So... needless to say, I took my turkey and walked away... I sometimes wish that people can hear my thoughts... but only when I want them to ( hehe ). Things like this make me get very down on myself because it brings to the forefront all of the problems that I have with myself when things may actually be ok for a bit.

Oh well... time to focus on something else, I don't want to depress myself too much... more later...

Old friends.. .

So I was sitting around my apartment last night watching [AS] (damn, I wish I had someone to watch that with...) and started playin around with myspace.com. I have been a member of that site for a long time, but I just never used it. Well anyway, I found the part where you can add the schools that you have gone to.

I added LaGuardia and NYIT then started searching. I found 3 people that I went to high school with. Pretty cool... One of the friends was Jackie. I had often wondered how she was doing. Depsite the fact that we never really hung out all that much, I really thought of her as a good friend. Anyway, we spoke on the phone for almost 2 hours... she's married now and has a 3 year old girl. I am very happy for her. I am happy that she is doing well for herself and has grown up from the crazy girl that I knew in high school. Hopefully, I'll get to see her when I am home in 2 weeks.

On to other topics, I think that I am going to exchange this laptop for a different one. I like it, but the resolution doesn't go high enough. I like ma shit small... this one is 15" and only goes to 1024x768. The one that I would like to exchange with is 14.1" but goes up to 1400x1500. Pretty sweet.. no fingerprint scanner, but a bigger hard drive, wireless B/G AND A, AND BlueTooth. All for only about $100 more. A good deal, I think.

It really does help...

I just got home from my Tai Chi class. I feel A LOT better. Amazing... it really does work.

I got my sword today. Finally, I don't have to practice with a stick anymore. It's really very nice. I found out also today that they do infact teach Mantis at my school. I will be signing up for that in the very near future. That is something that I have wanted to learn for a while.

Anyway... can't write too much now. I have to jump in the shower and go over to Rafa's house. I am hungry and he's cookin...

Saturday

I feel horrible today.

We had a surprise party for Rafael last night at Jose's house. It was good. He was very surprised. I am very shocked that he didn't suspect anything... very weird. I had a few drinks, but really couldn't believe how tired I was. I was having an extremely hard time of keeping my eyes open as the night went on. I ended up sleeping there b/c I was too tired to drive home at 3am.

I woke up this morning at around 845 or so... what the hell is that?? Five hours or sleep and I can't sleep anymore.

Back to what is wrong... I feel really bad today. I am extremely lazy and I feel like there is a giant hole in the middle my chest. I feel sad and lethargic. I don't know why because nothing bad has happened. Maybe I'm just very tired and hungry... maybe it's the weather... it's cloudy and overcast outside... who knows at this point.

I have about 10 more minutes before I have to jump in the shower to get ready for Tai Chi class. I like going on Saturdays. I learn a lot because there aren't that many people there and we can work on learning new things that we want to learn because it's not a "new material" class.

I think that after my class, I am going over to Rafael's house. I doubt I am doing anything tonight. We might go tubing tomorrow... but that is also up in the air. Right now, all I feel like doing is sleeping... like my cat over there. He's sleeping and twitching on my futon... yes, that's right... sleeping and twitching. He twitches when he sleeps... I know ... weird... ok time to go...

It's back...

There you are again... you have been away for a few weeks. Thrilled that you're back...

The lonliness is back this week... just peeking its head to make sure that I know it's still there. I was invited to go out tonight with a group of people, but I made up excuses so that I wouldn't have to go... I have a doc's appt tomorrow... I'm really tired... well... I actually am really tired, but I not tired enough to not be able to go out...

The point is that I made up shit so that I wouldn't have to be in the position to be out around people that I don't know. It has been scaring me more and more lately to think about being around people that I don't know. Thing is, when I know that I am making up these excuses to not go out, I sit home and feel sorry for myself. I think that if I would have gone, I would just be standing around feeling sorry for myself anyway b/c no one would talk to me... so why not do it in the comfort of my apartment? I can be there alone too...

Maybe I'll sleep through the night tonight and feel like I actually slept. Maybe I will wake up tomorrow and actually feel like I am a person... maybe... I'm not gettin my hopes up...

Swords are fun....

So... even though they told me that I would start learning the 1st sword form next week, they started me on it tonight. It's really cool. I love these classes.

I went to class right from work... stayed there until about 6pm or so then changed and went. There is this girl at the school... she is really beautiful... only thing that sucks is that her boyfriend is at the school too... oh well... weird thing is that she actually spoke to me without me saying anything to her first... very strange.

Oh well... I am not too happy tonight. I am really missing everyone back home... I miss the life that I had there... as mundane as my job was... I miss everything.

Enough bitchin for one night... Im going to take a shower and go to sleep now... maybe in my dreams I will remember what it is like to be happy.

Tired at work...

God damnit, I am tired. I still have about 35 minutes to go, nothing really more to do, but I am finding it hard to stay awake. I would really love a nap right now... makes me sound like such a pussy... but, fuck you, I would.

I got so much work done today. I still have some things that are pressing, but it's nothing too horrible. The only reason that I am actually still here is because I don't feel like going all the way home then back to Tai Chi class. It's at 630, so I might as well just stay.

I did go to the gym this morning which is a good thing. I am paying now though b/c I am really tired. I got my ass kicked in ping pong today... god this kid Jesse is awesome at it. By the way... hes a pretty damn good DJ too. If you're a DJ, head over to http://www.mixshare.com and try out his software. If you want to just hear some good music, go to http://www.mixshare.com/qualia.html.

I had a really nice conversation with my friend Ivy last night that I know from high school. She is one of the few people that I still talk to. I used to see her going to work almost every morning when I lived in NYC. I miss my friends...

Oh well... I have some stuff to finish up on... then I'm out...

No title...

I couldn't think of a title for this one... does everything need a label? Fuck you...

Things have been ok recently. Not great... but as horrible as I look back on over the last 6 months. I am going home soon again... that is always a good thing.

I have been in Tai Chi classs for about 3 months now. I took my test for my yellow sash last Saturday and passed it, so now... well... I have a yellow sash in Tai Chi. What does that mean? It means I know the Tai Chi 24 form and 1 (out of 8) sections of Pa Qua. I should be learning a sword form next...::drool::...

So like I had mentioned up there, I am going home in about 2 weeks. I really can't wait. I miss everyone so much. I don't feel as bad or as lonely as when I first got here, but it is still hard. I wish they were all here... or that I was there again, but we can't really change things now without causing too much craziness. I was hoping to write more, but I have to get ready for class....

Weird...

Ok. It's 6am. I don't have to work today. I went to sleep at 120am. Why the hell am I up and wide awake feeling like I slept for 3 days? Maybe it's the new preset I got for the brainwave generator. Here's the description:

Purpose: To improve the possibility of lucid dreaming, reduce the amount of necessary sleep and improve the overall quality of sleep.

Could it have actually worked? Weird if it did.

Anyway... I cooked dinner yesterday for the gang at Rafael's house. Everyone seemed to like the food that I made. There was not all that much left.. usually a good sign.

I got sick again yesterday though. I guess this has been building up since last week... the pain in the ears and throat every morning... the sneezing/runny nose... now I am finally fully sick. Just in time for a nice vacation day...

The weekend...

God... it's only Monday and i don't want to be here already. I am sitting in training right now. It's a phone conference. It's really boring. This is not what I want to be doing on Monday morning. I am finding it very hard to focus on this shit this morning. I am trying to pay attention to this training on top of handling a security issue for a customer that I also don't care about. Waa waaa my boss cant click “Always Accept” waaa... people suck.

This weekend was ok. Helena had a birthday party on Friday night. Saturday, I went to Judy's house to see her New Zealand pictures. They were very nice and she had some good food. After that, I went over to Amy's house where she invited a whole bunch of people over for a Crawfish boil. Her husband, Ira, is a really nice guy. He did all the cooking. I loved the gumbo, but the crawfish were just way way way too hot. I was not able to eat them. Later that night, I went to see Star Wars... that was good.

Yesterday, I went out for breakfast with Rafael, Ligi, Diego, and Daniel. We went to a place called Cafe Java... good pancakes. After that, I went home and cleaned up a little bit, then went to the pool at Jose's complex. It was really hot yesterday and I got some sunburn. After the pool, we went back to the house, ate dinner and played Imagine if.

Overall yesterday... I was distant. I was around people all day but alone in my head.

Mirrors...

I have recently realized that I don't like mirrors.

I was at a party (yes another one) on Friday night and I was feeling pretty good about things until I saw myself in a mirror. It all went downhill after that. Nothing around me changed... except for my mindset it would seem...

I left shortly after seeing myself in the mirror....

Amazing...

Life... this game is pretty amazing...

It's amazing how things can go from great, to not so bad, to man this sucks, down to well... figuratively baracading yourself in your apartment to avoid outside contact... shunning the thing that which you desire most.

It's amazing how you can have everything that anyone could want in a life and still not be able to be content with just being... content with who you are and what you can do. What is it that you are looking for?? You can't answer that question because you dont even know...

It's amazing that the cause of all of these above mentioned things is negativity. A thought... an intangible thing that gets into your mind and grows like a virus. Thought is powerful. The small seed of "I don't deserve this" or "I'm not good enough for this" can quickly take root and grow deep into your psyche that then branches off into every part of your life.

It's amazing that whenver I go out anywhere, I don't talk to anyone b/c I (and I stress "I") think that the conversation will go something like this:

Bryan: Hey, what's goin on?
Other person: Go away.

... when I look at that... IT'S TOTALLY ABSURD. But yet, I allow that to control me.

It's amazing how you can fall off of a horse and manage to get right back on.... let's give this another try shall we...

So... if thought can be so powerful in a negative way... why doesn't it seem to work in the opposite way. The answer is belief. You can give yourself affirmations out the ass, but if you do not belive it... it's nothing more than idle banter that you pay no attention to. But... the negative seed... when it got there, you didn't necessarily believe it, but over time, it took root... can't the same work the other way? I guess it has to start small.

I am a good person and I deserve good things. I deserve happiness...

I will keep reading that and keep saying it to myself until the idea that I must suffer subsides....

Hehehhee

What do you think of that?

Look... at... the... strength...

Wandering travelers on the rock...

Be more careful...

Be careful....

Me and Morgan hiking @ Enchanted Rock in Texas.

Back to school...

...Kung fu school that is...

I went to the kung fu school that I had been looking at and it was oh so awesome. So nice to go back to a real martial arts school rather than the boring shit I had been taking. Don't get me wrong, the instructor was very nice and extremely knowledgeable, but... it was missing something. I didn't feel that I couldn't wait to go to the class. I felt it was a chore...

Anyway... I digress... so I took the kung fu class tonight, but tomorrow night I am trying the Tai Chi class. That is really cool and it's gonna be a tough to pick between the two but, it is exciting.

As I was driving home from the class, for the first time in a really long time, my head was clear. I felt unburdened and there was a clarity that seemed like an old friend visiting after a long time. That's what the karate classes were missing...

More tomorrow...