I want to be free...

Yes, that's right. I want to be free... "from what?", you ask? I want to be free from my desires, from my wants, from my emotions, and from my mind. Simply put, I do not want to want anything anymore - which is a want in an of itself, so you can see that although it's a simple statement to "not want", the want to "not want" is complicated.

I have spent a lot of time with someone this past weekend and it was pretty awesome. Despite how much I enjoy this person's company, something became very apparent last night as we were talking. Out of respect, I will not divulge this person's personal life. However, this person is somewhat integral in my realization that I need to be free of wanting. We can just say that whether or not anything else will progress along a certain path with this person is entirely out of my control and I have accepted that. I do not expect anything. Not everyone gets what they want all the time.

Sometimes timing is horribly wrong for two people that are very right. Thats how it goes, I suppose...deal with it.. or don't and continue to suffer.

That is not to say that I do not know what I would like to happen. What I would like to happen and what will eventually happen may or may not be one in the same and I have prepared myself for the highly likely occurance that what I would like does not become a reality.

Back to the point at hand. I am not sure of how I am going to go about this, but I would really love to lose my mind. I would love to forget everything that I know about life and about myself. I would love to not have any attachement to anyone or anything. Let's not get confused. This is not to say that I cannot love. I love my family. I love my cat. I just do not want attachment. Attachement is what leads to unhappiness. This is because when your attachment is ripped from you, and it inevitably will be, all you can feel is a longing for what you were once attached to - a void in your being.

So here's what I am going to try. I am going to let my feelings go... release them like the shadows of reality that they are.Release? What on earth do you mean? When I am happy, I will let it go. When I am sad, I will let it go. When I realize that I want something, I will let it go. When I realize that I desire something, I will let it go. When I realize that I lust after something, I will let it go. I think we get the picture...

I am not sure where that will take me, but I am starting to see that all of my sadness up until this point has been related to me wanting certain things and not getting them. I am really taking life too serioulsy and I need to stop it.