Feeling Better...

I have been feeling better lately. I'm not like bubbly or anything, but I am feeling a little bit better about myself. I guess enough to not think that I am a total loser that no one will ever like ever. I was driving around today and I was listening to my mp3 player and this song "Safe Place" came on from Staind. I hadn't heard it in a while, but, after listening to it, I could identify with it... well except for the being "on the road" part. Anyway... here...

Another day Inside my world
I'm married to you and this road.
A road that never lets me sleep .
So theres no way to escape the demons I am forced to keep.

And then I find you here
Through your eyes
Everything's clear
And I'm home
Inside your arms,
But I'm alone for now.

I mean the best with what I say.
It doesn't always sound that way.
I never learned to work things out cause
In my family all we ever seem to do is shout.

But then I find you here
Through your eyes, everythings clear
And I'm home inside your arms, but I'm alone for now.

And when I try to sleep-
the drugs I take
are killing me - I think of you
to ease my pain -
but you're so far-
Now it's time to say goodbye.
I love you baby
please don't cry -
'cause then I'll find you here -
Through your eyes everythings clear -
and I'm home inside your arms - but I'm alone for now.

But then I find you here
Through your eyes,
everythings clear
And I'm home
inside your arms,
but I'm alone for now.

I do feel like I am alone. I mean physically, I am. And somehow that creeps its way into my head and manifests itself as mental lonliness even though the people that I love are really just a phone call away. A hug though, would be nice, but maybe for now, I am asking too much.

Emptiness...

Well... another week in my awesome life is about to kick off.. will YOU be there? Well, you probably won't be, but I will. Am I thrilled about that... I could go either way. This is how it has been for the past few weeks now. I am indifferent. I don't care. It doesn't matter to me. I am numb....

Is this my curse? Will emptiness and unhappiness forever follow me wherever I go in whatever I do? I looked to see what google has to say about what emptiness means and here is one of the definitions:

The Sanskrit word is Sunya. One of the key concepts in Buddhism. Emptiness is an abstract idea representing impermanence, unreality, instability, transience and relativity in the nature of all existence. The doctrine states that all phenomena and the ego have no reality, but are composed of a certain number of Skandhas or elements, which disintegrate. The doctrine also states that everything is unstable, possessing no self-essence or self-nature, i.e., its own existence dependent or caused by the conditions of others' existence. Emptiness is not nothing, but it is the condition of existence of everything. It permeates all phenomena making possible their evolution.

Interestng huh? So... according to this, emptiness is a good thing. Maybe it is. Maybe I will evolve... but I think there is something deeper going on here. What part of me, and more importantly WHY is there a part of me that feels that it is not right for me to be happy... that it is not right for me to smile? What is wrong with me and what happened to me to make me have this problem? Would I still have this problem if I had never left NY or has moving brought this to light?

Nothing matters. Nothing is permanent. Things live and die and time never stops. In the grand sceme of things, we are nothing. Think about that one for a while.

What a moment..

Nice moment I was having last night... I guess I feel a little better today... not much... but I guess a little.

Not good...

This is not good...

I can feel myself slipping back into the lonley depressivness that I had around the time I turned 20. I go to work... come home... go to karate... come home... there is no one for me here. I am alone here. Not to say that I cannot handle being alone... I just dont like it. It sucks coming home to an empty apartment every night with no one to laugh with or talk to.

I don't even want to go out and try to meet people. I can't bring myself to believe that people would want to meet me... kinda works against you being in a new city and all. I havent been on a date since before I was with Sara... and even she is talking to me less and less.

So what do I do? I have lots of alone activities... I work... I go to the gym... I go to karate... I watch tv... I cook dinner... all alone. What's the point? What's the point of dressing nice or shaving or having a nice apartment or anything like that? No ones looking... no one's paying attention. There is no one to share it with. This all kinda means nothing at the moment while it's just for me.

I try to keep myself from being this way... from getting upset every night over the people and things that I miss terribly. Everything here has an undertone of sadness. I don't know what to do, but if I can't stop myself from feeling this way... I just dont know.

I am going to go to sleep... maybe in my dreams I can find the people and things that I miss and forget my sadness until my alarm goes off tomorrow morning and I have to return to this.

Whoever you are... I hope that you are doing better than I am... I hope that when you see the ones you love, you tell them that you love them and how much you care about them and that you would do anything for them because one day, you won't see them everyday anymore and ... well you get the picture...

See ya...

I am in the wrong business...

$310 to sit at a computer and prepare a tax return... fucking ridiculous is all I am saying...

By the way...

The Foo Fighters are geniuses...

You believe there's something else
To relieve your emptiness
And you dream about yourself
And you bleed and breathe the air
And it's on and on
I just kinda died for you
You just kinda stared at me
We will always have the chance
We can do this one more time
Hell yeah, I remember aurora
All this time
Take me now, we can spin the sun around
And the stars will all come out
Then we'll turn and come back down
You believe there's somewhere else
Where it's easier than this
And you see outside yourself
And you buy the hole you'll fill
And it's on and on
On and on aurora wait for everyone
Wait till the last one's done

Goodnight...

I hate the airport...

Read the title, what do you think this one is about?

Jose asked me to drive himself and Lucy to the airport for his trip back to Spain today. I woke up at 4am to get them to the airport around 515. Now its close to 6am and I'm home. The Austin airport makes me sick. There is nothing wrong with it, but I can associate it with nothing but sad memories. Yes, I know... waaaaa people leave from the airport waaaaa.... well... I guess it's just due to my mounting lonliness that these sorts of things affect me.

One thing though that did happen on the way to the airport which was kind of cool was this... we were on 2222 and there are no lights here on some routes. I ALMOST hit a dear. Now, when I saw almost... I did not see the thing until it was too late, but my car was already out of the way and swearving. I reacted without even registering the fucking thing at 415am... half asleep and braindead from the events of the week. Pretty cool...

Braindead you say?? Why braindead? Well... I am just adjusting to the new workload that I have to handle at work. I am sure that this won't be a normal occurance, but last night when I got home I was nothing more than a fucking vegetable. I was on the phone with my mother and it was laborious just to get the damn words out of my mouth. All I did was stare at the TV for about 3-4 hours, then go to sleep. I was invited out by a friend from work, but didn't go b/c I knew that if I did, I wouldn't be able to wake up to drive to that god forsaken airport.

I am going to sleep now...

The vacation is over...

I finally started taking phone calls from customers on Monday. It was so great... so many things weren't working. What a first day... but... now, when everything works, it seems easy!

It is hard getting used to the workload. Since I moved down here in October, my job has pretty much been everything at my own pace... no real deadlines or stress. Now, I have to worry about meeting expectations of customers and all that stuff. If I miss a follow up with a customer, that is a big fucking deal because when these people are talking to me, to them I am the company that I work for. That's a little intimidating, but atfter 3 days, I am becoming more comfortable with it.

My family was here last week. It was so good to see them. Although it was cramped and a little annoying at times because we were in my 1 bedroom apartment and I didnt reallly sleep well while they were here, I still would not have had them not come. I am very happy that they did. I showed them a bunch of places in and around Austin. We went to San Antonio for a day to see the Alamo and some other cool things there. Most of all, it was just great for them to be here.

My karate classes have been good. We are learning some really cool stuff even some things with weapons.I have settled into going 2x week. I don't feel right if I don't go.

I have not been happy lately. Except for the days that my parents were here, I have been pretty lonley. Living alone kinda sucks. It feels good to be out on my own and all that, but... when I don't have karate class after work, I don't generally do anything. Its boring...