Weird...

Ok. It's 6am. I don't have to work today. I went to sleep at 120am. Why the hell am I up and wide awake feeling like I slept for 3 days? Maybe it's the new preset I got for the brainwave generator. Here's the description:

Purpose: To improve the possibility of lucid dreaming, reduce the amount of necessary sleep and improve the overall quality of sleep.

Could it have actually worked? Weird if it did.

Anyway... I cooked dinner yesterday for the gang at Rafael's house. Everyone seemed to like the food that I made. There was not all that much left.. usually a good sign.

I got sick again yesterday though. I guess this has been building up since last week... the pain in the ears and throat every morning... the sneezing/runny nose... now I am finally fully sick. Just in time for a nice vacation day...

The weekend...

God... it's only Monday and i don't want to be here already. I am sitting in training right now. It's a phone conference. It's really boring. This is not what I want to be doing on Monday morning. I am finding it very hard to focus on this shit this morning. I am trying to pay attention to this training on top of handling a security issue for a customer that I also don't care about. Waa waaa my boss cant click “Always Accept” waaa... people suck.

This weekend was ok. Helena had a birthday party on Friday night. Saturday, I went to Judy's house to see her New Zealand pictures. They were very nice and she had some good food. After that, I went over to Amy's house where she invited a whole bunch of people over for a Crawfish boil. Her husband, Ira, is a really nice guy. He did all the cooking. I loved the gumbo, but the crawfish were just way way way too hot. I was not able to eat them. Later that night, I went to see Star Wars... that was good.

Yesterday, I went out for breakfast with Rafael, Ligi, Diego, and Daniel. We went to a place called Cafe Java... good pancakes. After that, I went home and cleaned up a little bit, then went to the pool at Jose's complex. It was really hot yesterday and I got some sunburn. After the pool, we went back to the house, ate dinner and played Imagine if.

Overall yesterday... I was distant. I was around people all day but alone in my head.

Mirrors...

I have recently realized that I don't like mirrors.

I was at a party (yes another one) on Friday night and I was feeling pretty good about things until I saw myself in a mirror. It all went downhill after that. Nothing around me changed... except for my mindset it would seem...

I left shortly after seeing myself in the mirror....

Amazing...

Life... this game is pretty amazing...

It's amazing how things can go from great, to not so bad, to man this sucks, down to well... figuratively baracading yourself in your apartment to avoid outside contact... shunning the thing that which you desire most.

It's amazing how you can have everything that anyone could want in a life and still not be able to be content with just being... content with who you are and what you can do. What is it that you are looking for?? You can't answer that question because you dont even know...

It's amazing that the cause of all of these above mentioned things is negativity. A thought... an intangible thing that gets into your mind and grows like a virus. Thought is powerful. The small seed of "I don't deserve this" or "I'm not good enough for this" can quickly take root and grow deep into your psyche that then branches off into every part of your life.

It's amazing that whenver I go out anywhere, I don't talk to anyone b/c I (and I stress "I") think that the conversation will go something like this:

Bryan: Hey, what's goin on?
Other person: Go away.

... when I look at that... IT'S TOTALLY ABSURD. But yet, I allow that to control me.

It's amazing how you can fall off of a horse and manage to get right back on.... let's give this another try shall we...

So... if thought can be so powerful in a negative way... why doesn't it seem to work in the opposite way. The answer is belief. You can give yourself affirmations out the ass, but if you do not belive it... it's nothing more than idle banter that you pay no attention to. But... the negative seed... when it got there, you didn't necessarily believe it, but over time, it took root... can't the same work the other way? I guess it has to start small.

I am a good person and I deserve good things. I deserve happiness...

I will keep reading that and keep saying it to myself until the idea that I must suffer subsides....