Maybe I'm on to something...

Ok, so I have been doing some research. I am sick of my life the way it is. I am sick of always being the one that is "there but not". I am sick of people telling me to "just date" and that "things will get better" and that I am "young and shouldn't be sitting home all the time". I have had this problem my whole fucking life. It has been masked, hidden, blamed on other things, but it has always fucking been there making me waste what should be a happy life.

I'm talking about social anxiety disorder. I am not saying that I have this, but look at the quote below. This comes from http://www.socialphobia.org/whatis.html#whatis1, were they are giving case examples of what social anxiety disorder is:

Another young man wants to go to parties and other social events---indeed, he is very, very lonely---but he never goes anywhere because he's very nervous about meeting new people. Too many people will be there and crowds only make things worse for him. The thought of meeting new people scares him---will he know what to say? Will they stare at him and make him feel even more insignificant? Will they reject him outright? Even if they seem nice, they're sure to notice his frozen look and his inability to fully smile. They'll sense his discomfort and tenseness and they won't like him --- there's just no way to win --- "I'm always going to be an outcast," he predicts. And he spends the night alone, at home, watching television again. He feels comfortable at home. In fact, home is the only place he does feel completely comfortable. He hasn't gone anywhere else in twelve years.

Granted, I don't think that I am that extreme, but still, it is almost to a "T" how I feel. I am sick of looking at the floor when I go out. I am sick of not wanting to live or go out or do anything out of fear of being rejected or who the fuck knows what else. I am sick of feeling like I don't matter or that no one in their right mind would think I am remotely good looking or that no one who is sane would want to talk to me about anything. I am sick of feeling like a loser because I am not and I shouldn't be feeling this way.

Hopefully, I'll be able to sleep tonight.