Terrified...

So... once again, I find myself at a point in my life where I am absolutely terrified to be social. I knew all day that this would inevitably happen.

 

I was invited to a co-workers birthday get together at some dive bar near work. I had been planning on going.

 

I got up late today. There was some power outage last night, so I didn't sleep well. I basically lounged around, futzed around all day... did nothing.

 

8pm, I don't know what to wear. 810... I don't want to go. 840pm... I am not sad and angry with myself for not wanting to go... fuck...

 

I already feel angry and I haven't even left the house yet. I have pretty much already determined that I am going to go there, drink a beer, then leave... which leads me to ask the question, why even fucking go????

 

Having not even left the house, I already feel saddened by the fact that I know I will not talk to anyone and exist in a public place all alone in my own head. Now, for the reader that is saying "that is stupid, you are being stupid", I say, "I KNOW!". But these are the emotions that come up every time some social even occurs in which I do not know people. I am not sure how to make it stop, wishing doesn't seem to have any affect...

 

I do not want to go... I don't think I can...