Saturday

I feel horrible today.

We had a surprise party for Rafael last night at Jose's house. It was good. He was very surprised. I am very shocked that he didn't suspect anything... very weird. I had a few drinks, but really couldn't believe how tired I was. I was having an extremely hard time of keeping my eyes open as the night went on. I ended up sleeping there b/c I was too tired to drive home at 3am.

I woke up this morning at around 845 or so... what the hell is that?? Five hours or sleep and I can't sleep anymore.

Back to what is wrong... I feel really bad today. I am extremely lazy and I feel like there is a giant hole in the middle my chest. I feel sad and lethargic. I don't know why because nothing bad has happened. Maybe I'm just very tired and hungry... maybe it's the weather... it's cloudy and overcast outside... who knows at this point.

I have about 10 more minutes before I have to jump in the shower to get ready for Tai Chi class. I like going on Saturdays. I learn a lot because there aren't that many people there and we can work on learning new things that we want to learn because it's not a "new material" class.

I think that after my class, I am going over to Rafael's house. I doubt I am doing anything tonight. We might go tubing tomorrow... but that is also up in the air. Right now, all I feel like doing is sleeping... like my cat over there. He's sleeping and twitching on my futon... yes, that's right... sleeping and twitching. He twitches when he sleeps... I know ... weird... ok time to go...

It's back...

There you are again... you have been away for a few weeks. Thrilled that you're back...

The lonliness is back this week... just peeking its head to make sure that I know it's still there. I was invited to go out tonight with a group of people, but I made up excuses so that I wouldn't have to go... I have a doc's appt tomorrow... I'm really tired... well... I actually am really tired, but I not tired enough to not be able to go out...

The point is that I made up shit so that I wouldn't have to be in the position to be out around people that I don't know. It has been scaring me more and more lately to think about being around people that I don't know. Thing is, when I know that I am making up these excuses to not go out, I sit home and feel sorry for myself. I think that if I would have gone, I would just be standing around feeling sorry for myself anyway b/c no one would talk to me... so why not do it in the comfort of my apartment? I can be there alone too...

Maybe I'll sleep through the night tonight and feel like I actually slept. Maybe I will wake up tomorrow and actually feel like I am a person... maybe... I'm not gettin my hopes up...

Swords are fun....

So... even though they told me that I would start learning the 1st sword form next week, they started me on it tonight. It's really cool. I love these classes.

I went to class right from work... stayed there until about 6pm or so then changed and went. There is this girl at the school... she is really beautiful... only thing that sucks is that her boyfriend is at the school too... oh well... weird thing is that she actually spoke to me without me saying anything to her first... very strange.

Oh well... I am not too happy tonight. I am really missing everyone back home... I miss the life that I had there... as mundane as my job was... I miss everything.

Enough bitchin for one night... Im going to take a shower and go to sleep now... maybe in my dreams I will remember what it is like to be happy.

Tired at work...

God damnit, I am tired. I still have about 35 minutes to go, nothing really more to do, but I am finding it hard to stay awake. I would really love a nap right now... makes me sound like such a pussy... but, fuck you, I would.

I got so much work done today. I still have some things that are pressing, but it's nothing too horrible. The only reason that I am actually still here is because I don't feel like going all the way home then back to Tai Chi class. It's at 630, so I might as well just stay.

I did go to the gym this morning which is a good thing. I am paying now though b/c I am really tired. I got my ass kicked in ping pong today... god this kid Jesse is awesome at it. By the way... hes a pretty damn good DJ too. If you're a DJ, head over to http://www.mixshare.com and try out his software. If you want to just hear some good music, go to http://www.mixshare.com/qualia.html.

I had a really nice conversation with my friend Ivy last night that I know from high school. She is one of the few people that I still talk to. I used to see her going to work almost every morning when I lived in NYC. I miss my friends...

Oh well... I have some stuff to finish up on... then I'm out...

No title...

I couldn't think of a title for this one... does everything need a label? Fuck you...

Things have been ok recently. Not great... but as horrible as I look back on over the last 6 months. I am going home soon again... that is always a good thing.

I have been in Tai Chi classs for about 3 months now. I took my test for my yellow sash last Saturday and passed it, so now... well... I have a yellow sash in Tai Chi. What does that mean? It means I know the Tai Chi 24 form and 1 (out of 8) sections of Pa Qua. I should be learning a sword form next...::drool::...

So like I had mentioned up there, I am going home in about 2 weeks. I really can't wait. I miss everyone so much. I don't feel as bad or as lonely as when I first got here, but it is still hard. I wish they were all here... or that I was there again, but we can't really change things now without causing too much craziness. I was hoping to write more, but I have to get ready for class....