Why don't you go out??

It looks as if I am settling back into my happy state of solitude. No matter how old I get. No matter how much I think I have gotten past this, it always comes back to the same thing. I cannot stand to be alone all the time, yet still, I cannot accept the fact that people would want to be in my presence. Why does this continue to plague me? Or.. . more specifically, why do I continue to let it plague me??

I was talking to my father on the phone today and he asked "why don't you go out and meet some people??" I told him "maybe". What a bullshit answer. I guess I didn't feel like getting into a whole discussion about my horrible self image on the phone, but it's funny that it came up today becuase yesterday morning I was listening to the Howard Stern show waiting for 630am to go into the gym and they were having a discussion about why he doesn't talk to girls in bars.

I may as well have written the words for him.

He said that he doesn't talk to girls in bars becuase he's got a horrible self image, doesn't want to bother anyone, and can't fathom why anyone would want to have anything to do with him. It was like someone printed my thoughts onto paper and he was reading them over the radio.

Man... if we could take all the people that felt this way, myself included and have some kind of place for them to go ... like a "People with Low Self Esteem" bar or something that would be great. But then again... no one would probably go... so scratch that.

Getting away from the despressing, I went to Borders today to pick up the South Beach diet book. A friend of mine from work wants to do it and I said I would do it with him. I could stand lose a few... ok... more than a few... I have been eating like a fucking fat bastard lately so it will be good for me to get back to eating well.

The other book that I bought is called "Happiness is Free - And it's closer than you think". I know, I know. Happiness cannot be obtained from a book... but... I guess I need something... some guidance short of a man in a chair and me on a couch.