What a night..

Well... I think I have learned something. I'll get back to that in a minute...

First, let me describe what I thought my night would be like. I thought that I would go to Mauricio's friend's house and that I would meet some cool people. Then I thought that we would go to 4th st for a little while where I would be able to walk confidently among people that I dont know, then go to the Adult Swim party.

Now, I shall describe how the night actually went. I picked up Mauricio and his roomate and we went to Mauricio's friend's house. They all hung out in in kitched while I sat in the living room and pretended to read a magazine to hide the fact that I felt totally left out. Finally, when everyone was ready to go, we went to Fado's on 4th st. Again, I had one drink and starred into space. I walked around and stayed with the group for a little bit... then it became too much for me. It was very crowded and I couldn't hear a damn thing anyone was saying, so I went outside. I went next door to the coffee place to get a coffee and I hung out outside by myself for about an hour to an hour and a half. I then went back inside to try and find them... I couldn't.

At this point, I went back to my car in the garage b/c I was cold. Feeling down on myself, I thought a little bit (back to that in a second)... but then Mauricio called and said that I was outside Fado and that I could meet him there... so duh, I drove there... called him and he said that he was going to stay there. I asked him if he could get home ok if I left... he said yeah, so I did.

Now, back to what I was thinking. I put myself into this situation and I set myself up to let myself down everytime I make plans to go out. This happens everytime. I see it with such clarity now. I force myself into a situation that I never feel comfortable in b/c I think that that is what I should be doing. But, now that I can see that, I wont be doing it anymore.

The problem is this: I am not good at meeting new people and the more I force myself to do it, the more I will let myself down and feel bad about it. This is the 3rd or 4th time that I have stuck my hand in the fire and now finally I can learn from it.

But this time is different. I am not miserable. I am a little down on mysef, but I have learned something. I have recognized that this method of "meeting people" is not for me and that I need to stop doing this to myself. If I don't feel comfortable, how the fuck am I supposed to show other people that I am approachable?? I will have to try other things b/c I cannot keep putting myself into this position.

Everytime I make plans to go out, I always am optimistic that the night will go well and that I will meet at least one new person, but it NEVER happens b/c we go to a bar where you can't hear yourself think let alone hear another person talk (thats providing you can actually talk to people, which at this point I am not really able to do... I am working on it... fyi - moving to a new city + not being very social = bad).

This weekend has really fucking blew in the social "hang out with friends" area. I am looking forward to putting these unpleasant days behind me and letting go of them. I am learning more and more that I am all I have here. I have no one here for me but me and I am the only one that help me. If I have to be alone for however long I am here so be it. I would rather be alone than go through this shit of trying to meet people when I am seeing more and more that I don't have any desire to.