Dear Texas Sun,
This is not going to be easy for you to hear, but, I think it's important that you do. We should all be looking to better ourselves and I think this could really help you.
Ready?
Ok...
It's too much. It's just TOO much. You are too much. Can you tone it down a bit please? You are WAY too overbearing.
The New York sun isn't nearly as oppressive as you. What is your deal? Were you beaten as a budding proto-star by your red giant parents and now need to take out your frustration on us tiny people? If that is the case, I suggest you start seeing a shrink because that's just messed up.
Among the aforementioned, my additional complaints are as follows:
- I don't even want to go outside, like, ever. I don't want to sit outside, walk around outside, or just be outside. Never in my life have I felt bad for grass and trees, but, I do now feel really bad for them as they have to whether your constant overbearing photon bombardment.
- You make me so grumpy and frustrated. Every time I am required to perform an action in your presence, I become a person I don't like. I become short, frustrated, and just general complainy like. You make me do it. You suck.
- You cost me money. I keep my thermostat on 78 in the summer, even then, my damn electric bill is close to $150. I have to water my lawn and trees more b/c of you and that is JUST TO KEEP THEM FROM DYING. My grass feels like (to steal from Wendy's blog) shredded wheat or some other kind of shitty cereal. Why the hell can't you just calm down a bit??!?! Jerk.
- You make me tired. I can't do shit outside without feeling like I need to take like a 100 hour nap when I get done doing that 3 hour thing. Do you even know what that is like? I am 27 for fuck sake. You make me feel like I'm 90.
- You finally get tired and start backing off in like November. NOVEMBER. Don't you know you should start toning it down in like, September? What is there some kind of galactic trophy for "Most People Burned and Irritated Annually"? You suck.
Well, Texas Sun, I hope that the above information has been informative. I am pretty sure you are a self centered asshole and won't take any of this to heart. I still think that it is important for you to know these things. I ask, no... plead... no BEG that you consider the above grievances and take steps to resolve them.
Thank you,
Bryan
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4 comments:
I second this letter, if you need signatures for your petition, I'll happily add mine.
well, this was a glowing (hehe!!) endorsement to live in the burnt state of texas.what do you do for christmas, open your windows and let the hot air in? i can't wait........
This is hilarious but you know there is only ONE sun. You just happen to be situated slightly closer to the equator. Move to Canada =)
It's So Hot in Texas That...
The birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the ground.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk.
The trees are whistling for the dogs.
A sad Texan once prayed, "I wish it would rain - not so much for me, 'cuz I've seen it - but for my 7-year old."
You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.
You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.
You can make instant sun tea.
You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.
You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.
You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.
You notice that the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. before work.
No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and get cooked to death?"
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
Do you still feel the same after being cold here this week in NYC???
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