Terrified...

So... once again, I find myself at a point in my life where I am absolutely terrified to be social. I knew all day that this would inevitably happen.

 

I was invited to a co-workers birthday get together at some dive bar near work. I had been planning on going.

 

I got up late today. There was some power outage last night, so I didn't sleep well. I basically lounged around, futzed around all day... did nothing.

 

8pm, I don't know what to wear. 810... I don't want to go. 840pm... I am not sad and angry with myself for not wanting to go... fuck...

 

I already feel angry and I haven't even left the house yet. I have pretty much already determined that I am going to go there, drink a beer, then leave... which leads me to ask the question, why even fucking go????

 

Having not even left the house, I already feel saddened by the fact that I know I will not talk to anyone and exist in a public place all alone in my own head. Now, for the reader that is saying "that is stupid, you are being stupid", I say, "I KNOW!". But these are the emotions that come up every time some social even occurs in which I do not know people. I am not sure how to make it stop, wishing doesn't seem to have any affect...

 

I do not want to go... I don't think I can...

WTF?!?!?!??!??

I got a call from my friend today. I thought it was going to be good news, but it was not. The company that is supposed to be funding for my salary suffered the loss of it's CTO via suicide. Obviously, this is not a good thing for them as a company. This has caused what should have been a done deal to be thrown up in the air.

 

Sigh... things were looking so good.

 

What's the deal...

 

This sucks...

Almost sleep time...

I am waiting for some podcasts to sync, so I thought I would write for a few.

I feel sad tonight.

After work, I went to the store and got some things. When I got home, I cooked dinner, then cleaned up. Pork chops with kale and mushrooms. It was good. It was nice to cook again.

After that, I hung around for a bit, then went to the coffee place close to my house. I was hoping to meet a friend there, but that didn't pan out. Oh well... I drank my drink, read a little bit, then went home.

Since then, I haven't been doing much. I got about 40 Royksopp remixes that I transferred over to the player. Like I said before, I am getting some new podcasts too.

Anyway... so yeah... sad tonight. I guess there are some reasons, but not ones that I am willing to go into here. All things pass... this shall as well. I had better go to sleep so that I am not a zombie in class tomorrow morning. No one likes a kung fu zombie.

G'nite....

Hmph

I have no motivation. There, I said it.

I have had no motivation anywhere lately... work, kung fu, house, <anything else you can think of>. In fact, Christmas is almost here, and well, whatever. I am happy to go and see my family and friends, but Christmas, I think I can do without this year. I feel nothing.

My general feeling these days is "eh". Everything... is "eh". The range of emotion doesn't really seem to be there. Oh, something really good happened? "Eh, that's cool". Oh, did something bad happen? "Eh, that sucks". Eh...

By the way, how in the hell is tomorrow only Tuesday. For the love of god, can't I just be zonked out until Friday? If any of you reading this are hypnotists, please contact me. Here's my request. It's very similar to "Office Space". Now, from the hours of 8am - 5pm everyday, I don't want to know that I am working. By all means, engage the part of the brain needed for the job to do it's thing, but, can we like, at the same time, fool me into thinking that I am doing something that I enjoy all day? Maybe like... kung fu, or um... god, I don't know.. sleeping? Can we make it so that everyday, despite the fact that I have been working, I feel like I just woke up at 5pm? Please? Anyone??

Ah, screw it... I'm going to sleep.

= (

Life is a series of moments right? For the most part, we don't remember dates or times, but moments.

If that is the case, then this is a sad moment for me. In this moment, it feels like some of the major things in my life have fallen or are falling apart. I will not elaborate any more than that. Those close to me know what I am talking about.

There are some things in my life that I really miss that are going away or gone. I know what you are thinking, but it's more than that. One of the things that I miss in particular is the feeling of enjoying what I spend most of my life on from the hours of roughly 8am-5pm, 5x/week. Oh well...

Hopefully this sad moment will pass soon.

Quicky...

"Nothing is less important than a score at half-time."

...

I close both locks below the window.
I close both blinds and turn away.
Sometimes solutions aren’t so simple.
Sometimes goodbye’s the only way.

And the sun will set for you,
And the sun will set for you.
And the shadow of the day,
Will embrace the world in grey,
And the sun will set for you...

In cards and flowers on your window,
Your friends all plead for you to stay.
Sometimes beginnings aren’t so simple.
Sometimes goodbye’s the only way.

And the sun will set for you,
And the sun will set for you.
And the shadow of the day,
Will embrace the world in gray,
And the sun will set for you..

And the shadow of the day,
Will embrace the world in gray,
And the sun will set for you..

And the shadow of the day,
Will embrace the world in gray,
And the sun will set for you.

It's cloudy...

... both outside as well as in. I hope the sun comes out soon.

Ups and Downs

I used to watch "Married with Children" a lot when I was younger. I remember an episode in particular where Alphonse Hercules Bundy AKA Al Bundy had a really awesome streak of good luck. For the entire episode though, he could not bring himself to enjoy it because he knew that whenever he had good luck, bad luck was following close behind. Everything good that happened to him would be followed by an equally bad sequence of events.

I remember, a few months ago, writing about how everything was going really well. The house was good, I loved my job, everything relationship-wise was going well both personal and public. I also remember saying to myself, "enjoy this now, it probably won't be around forever". It seems at this point, I was right.

Much like Al, I am hitting a rough spot. I wouldn't say that I am anywhere near where Al was in terms of the bad. I mean... he was gambling against the mob and winning (Royal Flush, if I remember correctly). As soon as he won, a whole slew of bad stuff happened to him. This isn't totally the case with me. Nothing really horrible is happening, just well, not great.

I suppose this brings up the idea of ups and downs, good and bad, cyclical times in our lives. Who is to say what is good and what is bad? These are labels that we apply to things to mold our reality into something that we can handle; something that we can cope with. We apply these labels to things and then make up reasons to support said label in an attempt to make things right for us, in our own heads.

Case in point. I thought moving to Texas was going to be really bad. Really, REALLY bad! I could have thought of a million reasons as to why I should not go. A million reasons as to why I would fail and why I should just straight up not do it. But now, I look back and can see that I could not have been more wrong. In hindsight, it was actually really good.

For a while, I enjoyed being happy with every single thing and aspect in and of my life. I guess this reinforces the idea that all things pass. Good passes and so shall the bad. Everything passes. Even us.

Parents are gone...

Well, my parents left yesterday and I am sad. Honestly, in all the times that we have visited, this has been the worst time to say goodbye. They were here and visited for a week. I cannot express in words how good it was to have them here. It's amazing how good your mother's cooking or your father's advice can be after they have not been within close reach for a good while. I honestly choked it back for about 3 hours after leaving the airport yesterday and have been in somewhat of a malaise today. I hope I see them again soon... = (



Anyway...

I went back to kung fu tonight and learned some new things. It is really tough getting back even after just one week of being out. I felt very behind, almost like I have not been practicing enough. All in all, I feel like I am a little off track. The whole week my parents were here, I was relatively in active and did not eat all that well. In that way, I sort of don't like the holidays... why do we have to wait until these times to do these things.. to get together with family... to make the foods that we love? Why all at once? Oh well... I don't have any answers.

It's finally cold...

So, finally, the temperature has dropped below 60 here. It was so nice to see a 57 on the screen this morning and then to feel it when I went outside. I think that it's the first time in a long time that I have actually had to use the heater in my car.

Driving to work though, it DID remind of the time when I moved here and I started to miss everyone really badly... it made me really sad. It also made me very homesick. The feeling to go back is very strong today.

Anyway, this is my favorite time of the year. Unfortunately, here in Austin, it lasts for about 2 weeks. Then it gets cold... well.. cool hehe.

We have about 2 days until Nanny and Papa come to visit. It has been too long since I have seen any of my family or friends from NYC. Speaking of which, I was talking to Alex yesterday and I realized that it has been 2 years ( almost... on 10.24.2006, it will be ) since I have moved to Austin and not one of my friends has come to visit. The one exception is Vinny. He stopped on the way through to San Diego...