Amazing...

Life... this game is pretty amazing...

It's amazing how things can go from great, to not so bad, to man this sucks, down to well... figuratively baracading yourself in your apartment to avoid outside contact... shunning the thing that which you desire most.

It's amazing how you can have everything that anyone could want in a life and still not be able to be content with just being... content with who you are and what you can do. What is it that you are looking for?? You can't answer that question because you dont even know...

It's amazing that the cause of all of these above mentioned things is negativity. A thought... an intangible thing that gets into your mind and grows like a virus. Thought is powerful. The small seed of "I don't deserve this" or "I'm not good enough for this" can quickly take root and grow deep into your psyche that then branches off into every part of your life.

It's amazing that whenver I go out anywhere, I don't talk to anyone b/c I (and I stress "I") think that the conversation will go something like this:

Bryan: Hey, what's goin on?
Other person: Go away.

... when I look at that... IT'S TOTALLY ABSURD. But yet, I allow that to control me.

It's amazing how you can fall off of a horse and manage to get right back on.... let's give this another try shall we...

So... if thought can be so powerful in a negative way... why doesn't it seem to work in the opposite way. The answer is belief. You can give yourself affirmations out the ass, but if you do not belive it... it's nothing more than idle banter that you pay no attention to. But... the negative seed... when it got there, you didn't necessarily believe it, but over time, it took root... can't the same work the other way? I guess it has to start small.

I am a good person and I deserve good things. I deserve happiness...

I will keep reading that and keep saying it to myself until the idea that I must suffer subsides....