Good things...

Some very good things have been happening since I have been home...

Yesterday... I got to see my sister graduate from college. Granted, it was like going to the zoo with the general population that was there, but none the less, I am very proud of her for making it through and getting a degree.

When I got home, it was too late to get to see my friend Jackie, so I tried calling some other people. I think I made 4 calls or something like that. No one called back and I didn't want to sit in the house while everyone was sleeping, so I took a ride to Cargo (the bar that I used to work at). The second I walked in I hear "hey, fuck you mother fucker, get out". Could it be? It was MIKE!!!! and MIKE!!! (yes, 2 Mikes). After that, I saw Leo, Kasie, Farrington, Danny, and nearly got tackled by Michelle. The best part was seeing Scott. He still owed me like $100. He didn't see me when I came in, so I walked up to him and was like "where the fuck is my money?" The look on his face was priceless. I hung out there for a little while, then Mike, Mike, and I went to a diner to grab a bite. I got home at 2am and went to sleep.

Today was good too. I woke up too late to really be able to do anything in the morning. We went out for dinner to celebrate Morgan's graduation... mmm chicken franchaise. Haven't had that in a damn long time.

After that, I met Alexandria for some coffee. I had a really good time with her. We hung out at Osato for about an hour or so, then just drove around talking about stuff. I didn't realize how much I missed her. She has been a really good friend since I moved out to Austin. And... I know she's probably gonna read this, oh well = ) she's alot prettier than I remember her especially her eyes, they are beautiful. Leo invited me to go see his band tonight, but they didn't go on until 11 and I was much happier to see Alex.

I spoke to Sara for close to 2 hours on the phone tonight. We talked about a lot of shit. I told her a lot of what is going on with me in TX... how I basically emotionally torture myself b/c of the guilt that I lay on myself and how I don't deserve to be happy. Some of the things that she said really helped me. She doesn't hate me. She doesn't resent me. She doesn't think that I am the biggest asshole in the world for leaving. I feel like a giant weight has been lifted. This is a good thing. It really shows me that all of the crap I have been giving myself for "leaving" is all for nothing b/c just as I have done Sara has also asked "would be still be together now?" We both come to the same answer... no. We have different reasons, but the outcome is the same. Again... a giant weight has been lifted... I didn't ruin her life.

Tomorrow is going to be busy... I am having breakfast with Nanny, then I need to buy some tickets for my father for a pre-sale for Queen (gay...)... then I am going to Manhattan to replace my Tibetan bracelet that I broke as well as to pick up some things at Pearl River to ship back to myself and also 2 shirts for people at work. I think I'm meeting Sara for lunch at like 1, and then I am meeting Jackie and her husband for dinner. I am really exited to see them. Sometimes you don't realize how much you have missed someone until you find them again. She was always a good friend to me.

I guess coming home and seeing all of these people that want to hang out with me is opening my eyes to the kind of person that I am. I am slowly starting to accept that fact that there is something in me that is worth sharing with other people. I deserve to be happy just like everyone else. There is nothing about me that makes me undeserving of happiness.

I sit here listening to loud techno music and feeling better about life... things suddenly, aren't so bad anymore. I can smile...

Saturday...

I didn't do a god damn thing today... well... I went to tai chi class at 230... but for the rest of the day I was dead to the world.

I met Jose, Lucy, and Ligi at Hula Hut for something to eat, then we went to Mozart's for some dessert... shitty cannolis... hot as fucking hell outside. Fuckin Texas... after that, we went to see Fantastic Four... not bad... not great.... but not bad... I didn't want to ask for my money back so I guess that's good.

Sara called today... to say "hello" b/c she hasn't spoken to me in a while... why does she still care? Why do I still mean anything to her... I left, right?

Something interesting happened on the way home from the movie theater. I was driving up MoPac with my windows down with some really loud Metallica playing... as I was driving and singing along, the sadness that I have been feeling for the past... well... I don't even know how long started to go away a little and I could actually feel that there is a person inside me that is trying to get out. I wanted to keep driving and listening, but I didn't.

Now, since I took a nap earlier, I'm not tired at all. I wish I had someone to call to come over and hang out, but I don't. I feel really lonely right now... maybe some music will help...

Something I saw on myspace...

One of my friends posted this.. made me think:

This is a tribute to the nice guys.

The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point.

This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs.

Those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores.

This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support.

This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern.

This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl's every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.

This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they're at her door.

For the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population.

For the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway.

For the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters.

For the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don't end up being boyfriends.

For all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated.

For all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned.

This is for you.

This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn't worry about it.

This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you'd ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor.

This is also for that time she didn't have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing 'serious' between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: "oh, but we're just friends!" And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyways. Because you're nice like that.

The nice guys don't often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don't seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can't. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches.


Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as "oh, he's too nice to date" or "he would be a good boyfriend but he's not for me" or "he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn't possibly ask him out!" or the most frustrating of all: "no, it would ruin our friendship."

Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks.

Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can't figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I'm going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn't last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.

So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you're sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.

Repost this if you're a nice guy
Girls Repost if you're lookin for this/or appreciate these guys

Damnit....

Damnit... damnit damnit damnit... why can I not open my mouth.

I went to the store today for some food for the week. I stopped at the deli counter to get some turkey... and the girl working behind the counter had some of the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen.

I played the conversation over in my head a few times... couldn't make it come to a positive outcome in my head...

Bryan: "Hey, you have really pretty eyes."
Girl: "I'm married, please leave me alone."

Or

Bryan: "Hey, you have really pretty eyes."
Girl: Rolls eyes ... "Do you want anything else."

Or

Bryan: "Hey, you have really pretty eyes."
Girl: "I'm not interesting. Please go away."

So... needless to say, I took my turkey and walked away... I sometimes wish that people can hear my thoughts... but only when I want them to ( hehe ). Things like this make me get very down on myself because it brings to the forefront all of the problems that I have with myself when things may actually be ok for a bit.

Oh well... time to focus on something else, I don't want to depress myself too much... more later...

Old friends.. .

So I was sitting around my apartment last night watching [AS] (damn, I wish I had someone to watch that with...) and started playin around with myspace.com. I have been a member of that site for a long time, but I just never used it. Well anyway, I found the part where you can add the schools that you have gone to.

I added LaGuardia and NYIT then started searching. I found 3 people that I went to high school with. Pretty cool... One of the friends was Jackie. I had often wondered how she was doing. Depsite the fact that we never really hung out all that much, I really thought of her as a good friend. Anyway, we spoke on the phone for almost 2 hours... she's married now and has a 3 year old girl. I am very happy for her. I am happy that she is doing well for herself and has grown up from the crazy girl that I knew in high school. Hopefully, I'll get to see her when I am home in 2 weeks.

On to other topics, I think that I am going to exchange this laptop for a different one. I like it, but the resolution doesn't go high enough. I like ma shit small... this one is 15" and only goes to 1024x768. The one that I would like to exchange with is 14.1" but goes up to 1400x1500. Pretty sweet.. no fingerprint scanner, but a bigger hard drive, wireless B/G AND A, AND BlueTooth. All for only about $100 more. A good deal, I think.

It really does help...

I just got home from my Tai Chi class. I feel A LOT better. Amazing... it really does work.

I got my sword today. Finally, I don't have to practice with a stick anymore. It's really very nice. I found out also today that they do infact teach Mantis at my school. I will be signing up for that in the very near future. That is something that I have wanted to learn for a while.

Anyway... can't write too much now. I have to jump in the shower and go over to Rafa's house. I am hungry and he's cookin...

Saturday

I feel horrible today.

We had a surprise party for Rafael last night at Jose's house. It was good. He was very surprised. I am very shocked that he didn't suspect anything... very weird. I had a few drinks, but really couldn't believe how tired I was. I was having an extremely hard time of keeping my eyes open as the night went on. I ended up sleeping there b/c I was too tired to drive home at 3am.

I woke up this morning at around 845 or so... what the hell is that?? Five hours or sleep and I can't sleep anymore.

Back to what is wrong... I feel really bad today. I am extremely lazy and I feel like there is a giant hole in the middle my chest. I feel sad and lethargic. I don't know why because nothing bad has happened. Maybe I'm just very tired and hungry... maybe it's the weather... it's cloudy and overcast outside... who knows at this point.

I have about 10 more minutes before I have to jump in the shower to get ready for Tai Chi class. I like going on Saturdays. I learn a lot because there aren't that many people there and we can work on learning new things that we want to learn because it's not a "new material" class.

I think that after my class, I am going over to Rafael's house. I doubt I am doing anything tonight. We might go tubing tomorrow... but that is also up in the air. Right now, all I feel like doing is sleeping... like my cat over there. He's sleeping and twitching on my futon... yes, that's right... sleeping and twitching. He twitches when he sleeps... I know ... weird... ok time to go...

It's back...

There you are again... you have been away for a few weeks. Thrilled that you're back...

The lonliness is back this week... just peeking its head to make sure that I know it's still there. I was invited to go out tonight with a group of people, but I made up excuses so that I wouldn't have to go... I have a doc's appt tomorrow... I'm really tired... well... I actually am really tired, but I not tired enough to not be able to go out...

The point is that I made up shit so that I wouldn't have to be in the position to be out around people that I don't know. It has been scaring me more and more lately to think about being around people that I don't know. Thing is, when I know that I am making up these excuses to not go out, I sit home and feel sorry for myself. I think that if I would have gone, I would just be standing around feeling sorry for myself anyway b/c no one would talk to me... so why not do it in the comfort of my apartment? I can be there alone too...

Maybe I'll sleep through the night tonight and feel like I actually slept. Maybe I will wake up tomorrow and actually feel like I am a person... maybe... I'm not gettin my hopes up...

Swords are fun....

So... even though they told me that I would start learning the 1st sword form next week, they started me on it tonight. It's really cool. I love these classes.

I went to class right from work... stayed there until about 6pm or so then changed and went. There is this girl at the school... she is really beautiful... only thing that sucks is that her boyfriend is at the school too... oh well... weird thing is that she actually spoke to me without me saying anything to her first... very strange.

Oh well... I am not too happy tonight. I am really missing everyone back home... I miss the life that I had there... as mundane as my job was... I miss everything.

Enough bitchin for one night... Im going to take a shower and go to sleep now... maybe in my dreams I will remember what it is like to be happy.

Tired at work...

God damnit, I am tired. I still have about 35 minutes to go, nothing really more to do, but I am finding it hard to stay awake. I would really love a nap right now... makes me sound like such a pussy... but, fuck you, I would.

I got so much work done today. I still have some things that are pressing, but it's nothing too horrible. The only reason that I am actually still here is because I don't feel like going all the way home then back to Tai Chi class. It's at 630, so I might as well just stay.

I did go to the gym this morning which is a good thing. I am paying now though b/c I am really tired. I got my ass kicked in ping pong today... god this kid Jesse is awesome at it. By the way... hes a pretty damn good DJ too. If you're a DJ, head over to http://www.mixshare.com and try out his software. If you want to just hear some good music, go to http://www.mixshare.com/qualia.html.

I had a really nice conversation with my friend Ivy last night that I know from high school. She is one of the few people that I still talk to. I used to see her going to work almost every morning when I lived in NYC. I miss my friends...

Oh well... I have some stuff to finish up on... then I'm out...

No title...

I couldn't think of a title for this one... does everything need a label? Fuck you...

Things have been ok recently. Not great... but as horrible as I look back on over the last 6 months. I am going home soon again... that is always a good thing.

I have been in Tai Chi classs for about 3 months now. I took my test for my yellow sash last Saturday and passed it, so now... well... I have a yellow sash in Tai Chi. What does that mean? It means I know the Tai Chi 24 form and 1 (out of 8) sections of Pa Qua. I should be learning a sword form next...::drool::...

So like I had mentioned up there, I am going home in about 2 weeks. I really can't wait. I miss everyone so much. I don't feel as bad or as lonely as when I first got here, but it is still hard. I wish they were all here... or that I was there again, but we can't really change things now without causing too much craziness. I was hoping to write more, but I have to get ready for class....